Marriage Counselling Application

This article discusses a case study of a middle-aged couple seeking marriage counselling. It explores their challenges, including their beliefs, finances, and children, as they try to save their marriage. The couple's strong Christian faith and commitment to their family play a significant role in their decision-making process.

1st Class of Doctoral Program
CC 704
Marriage Counselling Application
By the Christian Counselor
Assignment 2

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I have been counselling a middle aged couple since three weeks to be specific. Terry
woods and his wife Sue Wood, have two children who are married and three grandchildren.
Both of them are economically stable, as they are two financially successful university
teachers, with her specializing in Biology and him, as a professor for law. They came seeking
counsel for their marriage which became difficult and went downhill.
While counselling, I realize, that they were unable to speak openly about the problems
they were facing. They were visibly embarrassed about letting in a counselor in their
personal, currently problem ridden sphere. I realized that their marriage was worn-out and
they tried to make their relationship seem as normal as possible to family and friends, to
uphold the accepted model of marriage. This masquerade clearly added to their problems.
They admitted, that it was not always like this, like every other marriages, I realized that their
marriage had gradually taken a hit, and all the pleasure had dissipated.
I tried to get them to talk, after carefully building up a foundation of trust and assuring
them that my counseling would be unbiased after careful inspection of the problem and that
they could trust me to maintain confidentiality. They admitted that they shared a home but
used separate rooms. Their sexual life was almost null and void except for a few instances.
They added that despite their differences as a married couple, they were more like friends and
roommates, who deeply admired and retain enormous respect for each other. They have been
together for 27 years, and did a great job when it came to parenthood but lost what they felt
for each other.
The process of building the trust with my clients is still ongoing but I raised the most
burning question of the hour anyway. I asked them if their marriage has so completely taken
a hit, why they never thought of getting a divorce. The trusted me enough to divulge their
disbelief in divorce, because they were Christians. Separation was out of the question as they

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were active members of the church they both went to. They put in a lot of love and dedication
in the activities of the church, which they attended together, and they wanted to continue the
tradition while living a life based on biblical and church principles1. Personally, they looked
at each other as walls that care and look out for one another, like personified controlling
agents who make sure the other person does and comments nothing that goes against the God,
his scriptures and his design2.
After maintaining this pattern for an extended amount of time, they began questioning
the credibility of the situation and thus, wanted to seek change despite their disbelief in the
relationship. They were unsure if things will return back to the better place but they wanted to
give it a try through counselling. It was evident in their descriptions that they had lived life
independently, as they had a life apart from their marriage. They spoke with conviction and I
believe that is how a healthy life should be, with each party placing priorities correctly and
making sure each is attended to in the correct way, with ample amount of time allotted for
each.
However, this independence, can harm a relationship as it demands togetherness. For
couples, it is extremely important for them to realize that they together, for an ‘us’, which as
a singular entity. If independence is left unbridled, the notion of the individual ‘us’ will
inevitably become ‘me’ as the person becomes more invested in individuality and gets
conditioned to think that is normal, which in turn makes relationships suffer3. The ‘us’
1 Cahill, Lisa Sowle. Family: A Christian Social Perspective. Minneapolis, MN:
Fortress, 2000
2 Benner, David G. Strategic pastoral counseling: A short-term structured model.
Baker Academic, 2003
3 Sells, James N., and Mark A. Yarhouse. Counseling couples in conflict: A relational
restoration model. InterVarsity Press, 2011.

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strengthens, emotional, material and spiritual health but in no way means that individuality
becomes invalid. Structuring should be focused on to strengthen the couple.
I began counseling them into reflecting about the need of sharing each other’s lives.
Starting with their daily monotonous life all while respecting each other’s individuality. I
tried to make them for an ‘us’ to help grow back the intimacy they shared in their
relationship. They never separated, also because they wanted to keep it normal for their
children. They did not want to deprive them of their presence which would have raised
emotional issues within them. They firmly believe that children should not be allowed to
receive collateral damage, because their parents failed at sorting out their problems on their
own. Countless traditions like Christmas celebrations, Thanksgiving, Birthdays, going to
church, trips and school activities would have been affected had the parents been separated
and would have harmed the child as they would have failed to relate their situation to the
normal families they witnessed around them4.
Divorce would harm the children beyond repair. Children with distorted childhood go
through enormous physical and psychological pain. They often feel guilty for the situation,
feel angry at the parents and often slip into depression5. Though many people, despite a
troubled childhood laden with insecurities and deep rooted issues, can grow up to live like
healthy adults and life an adjusted life. Sue revealed that she herself was the daughter of
separated parents, and had undergone severe trauma, which led her to dismiss any thought of
separation because she did not wish her children, witness the pain she went through.
4 Pratt, Kathleen P. “Divorce’s Effect on Children: How the Church can bring about
Healing.” Christian Education Journal 6 no 2 (1985): 34-41.
5 Lytch, Carol E. “The Role of Parents in Anchoring Teens in Christian Faith.” Journal
of Family Ministry 19.1 (Spr 2005): 30-37. Marquardt, Elizabeth M. “Stories of Exile:
Children of Divorce.” Christian Century 118 no 6 (February 21, 2001): 26-29.

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They revealed the other reason they did not separate was because of the shared
financial stability they had gained. They wanted to share what they built throughout their life,
together and not divide it6. They had managed to pay the mortgage of their house owing to
their solid careers. They even bought a beautiful house on the lake, took international trips
each year and funded the missions of the church annually. Though many may considered this
a reason not strong enough to keep people together, the issues like retirement, assets and
investment still constitute a large part of their concern as liquidating them was difficult and
behind these investments, there was a lot of effort in kind, which had led to mentioning their
concerns regarding this quite often during sessions.
Finances of divorced couples can be shaken to the core. Gabrielle Clemens talks about
the steps that can be taken by them to handle mortgages, to share cars and take care of the
shared debts, even whilst they are separated7. There have been reports of couples, who spent
their lives building a wealthy matrimony but still wanted to separate. It is important to
understand the implications of a separation, and the results it will entail. In some cases, hiring
a lawyer specializing in finance is important, to minimize the effect of the separation on the
marriage, for people who share most part of their finances with each other.
Finance and Children are huge factors I had to consider, if I had to place them in a
hypothetical situation with separation and divorce on the cards. With shared investment,
retirement plans and shared savings, they are susceptible to huge losses, if they separate.
Then I came to the point of their spiritual beliefs, as their family was severely according to
the rules of the church and Christianity. Their lives revolved around their beliefs. Even if
their relationship doesn’t change for the better, they still want to live together, because they
6 Meilaender, Gilbert. “What Are Families For?” First Things 6 (October 1990): 39.
7 DiGabriele, JAMES A. "Matrimonial Business Valuations and the AICPA Statement
on Standards for Valuations Services No. 1." American Journal of Family Law 23, no.
2 (2009).

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do not want a divorce as it goes absolutely against their beliefs. However, there is something
that constitutes counter sense. God wants what is best for families and individuals, he would
never press upon people the necessity of a marriage if it does not keep them happy8. I wanted
them to reflect on this to make them question their position even while maintaining the will
of God. Christians believe that God cannon change their situations, so it is upon them to bring
forth change and help themselves out according to their beliefs.
God helps those who help themselves. It was evident, that although things were
almost beyond repair in their eyes, they held on hoping to uphold their image in front of
others. This was an open door I can address, to make them realize that at this point, nothing
was as important as themselves9. If they healed themselves, then only could they help and add
value in other’s lives.
Therefore, I advised that for the rest of the sessions I will counsel them separately.
Sue needed me to have an insight into her troubled childhood, and to figure out if there was
anything remaining that might have eventually affected the relationship. Both the partners,
needed to confess their feelings without boundaries. Since they were highly individualistic,
solo counselling would do them good as they would let their guard down much easily10.
When I tried to counsel them together, they immediately raised walls because if their
previous problems. Though I was supposed to help them cut down on their individualistic
tendencies, I realized that it would be best if the counselling was done in their comfort zones.
8 Osiek, Carolyn, and David L. Balch. Families in the New Testament World:
Households and House Churches. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press,
1997.
9 Wall, James M. “Family Values, Christian Values.” Christian Century 31 (January
1996): 104-114.
10 Strommen, Merton P. and Richard Hardel. Passing on the Faith: A Radical New
Model for Youth and Family Ministry. Winona, MN: St. Mary’s Press, 2000.

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I made Sue reveal the details of her parent’s marriage and if she had any resentment
left. She revealed that she does have some resentment left and when she was younger, she
used to feel like she could never forgive them for the trouble she went through. She revealed
that they had issues because her father could not give their family a lot of time because of
schedules. This used to enrage her mother and this went on to develop into a separation. After
entering a career she realized how difficult it was to divide time in between the two but she
tried her based. So she ended up an excellent mother and wife, and still continued to be an
excellent mother and a failure as a wife, because of her decimated marriage11. She broke
down in tears when she narrated the incident, I picked up feelings of resentment for her father
and an unwillingness to walk down the same path.
I counseled her to take a few days off from the marriage, stay alone and reflect on what she
wanted from life. By the end of the space, she was supposed to weigh the pros and cons of
the marriage and if the pros outweighed the cons, she would have to meet her husband, at
decided spot on a decided day at a decided time. I wanted her to take his help to decide the
spot, which has shared significance in both their lives. The chose the steps of their local
church. I counseled him the same way, asked him to take space to weigh out the pros and
cons.
The word "change" carries many meanings in itself, and often the difficulty of
change, is very difficult for people to bear. Dr. Gary Collins, speaks of the possibility of
changes occurring and how they can be effective, provide one correctly chooses the path of
change that brings around positivity in the future12. Understanding and analyzing changes is
11 Marsh, Robert, and Rudi Dallos. "Religious beliefs and practices and Catholic
couples' management of anger and conflict." Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy:
An International Journal of Theory & Practice 7, no. 1 (2000): 22-36.
12 Collins, Gary R. Christian counseling: A comprehensive guide. Recording for the
Blind & Dyslexic, 2008.

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extremely important because it is evident that change in the beginning seems a lot like
destruction, especially in relationships, they seem like everything they have believed in
crumbling around them but in reality, things fall apart to let new things build themselves13.
Change is inevitable. This is what they need to learn and believe. Sue and Terry have
lived a life, many will envy because of the stability. Despite their problems, staying together
was commendable but no healthy14. If both of them feel post the counselling and the mutual
space therapy, that their backs have hit the wall and that nothing can change what has
happened, I suggested separation.
I was careful to mention that God only wants what is best of everyone else throughout
the sessions. I made them understand that God watched them hope and strive to make things
better and will wholly accept their inability to revive what is already dead. God is all
forgiving, and he is especially forgiving when he watches people put in effort. Sue and Terry
were wonderful parents and spouses, and they carried out their duties. Whatever happens in
God’s Plan, happens for the best. I hope both of them gradually realize that after the initial
cloud of sadness and unwillingness to change passes. The holy bond of marriage must bring
about joy, pleasure, truth and most importantly love and as proper Christians, I am sure this
couple will eventually realize that and do what is best for them. I know that I will support and
help them through whatever their decision may be.
13 Phypers, D. (1985). Christian Marriage in Crisis. Marc Europe.
14 Post, Stephen. Spheres of Love: Toward a New Ethics of the Family. Dallas: Southern
Methodist University Press, 1994.

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References
Benner, David G. Strategic pastoral counseling: A short-term structured model. Baker
Academic, 2003
Cahill, Lisa Sowle. Family: A Christian Social Perspective. Minneapolis, MN: Fortress,
2000.
Collins, Gary R. Christian counseling: A comprehensive guide. Recording for the Blind &
Dyslexic, 2008.
DiGabriele, JAMES A. "Matrimonial Business Valuations and the AICPA Statement on
Standards for Valuations Services No. 1." American Journal of Family Law 23, no. 2
(2009).
Lytch, Carol E. “The Role of Parents in Anchoring Teens in Christian Faith.” Journal of
Family Ministry 19.1 (Spr 2005): 30-37. Marquardt, Elizabeth M. “Stories of Exile:
Children of Divorce.” Christian Century 118 no 6 (February 21, 2001): 26-29.
Marsh, Robert, and Rudi Dallos. "Religious beliefs and practices and Catholic couples'
management of anger and conflict." Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy: An
International Journal of Theory & Practice 7, no. 1 (2000): 22-36.
Meilaender, Gilbert. “What Are Families For?” First Things 6 (October 1990): 39.
Osiek, Carolyn, and David L. Balch. Families in the New Testament World: Households and
House Churches. Louisville, KY: Westminster John Knox Press, 1997.
Phypers, D. (1985). Christian Marriage in Crisis. Marc Europe.
Post, Stephen. Spheres of Love: Toward a New Ethics of the Family. Dallas: Southern
Methodist University Press, 1994.

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Pratt, Kathleen P. “Divorce’s Effect on Children: How the Church can bring about Healing.”
Christian Education Journal 6 no 2 (1985): 34-41.
Sells, James N., and Mark A. Yarhouse. Counseling couples in conflict: A relational
restoration model. InterVarsity Press, 2011.
Strommen, Merton P. and Richard Hardel. Passing on the Faith: A Radical New Model for
Youth and Family Ministry. Winona, MN: St. Mary’s Press, 2000.
Wall, James M. “Family Values, Christian Values.” Christian Century 31 (January 1996):
104-114.