Attachment Theory and the Impact of Loss: A Personal Perspective

This article delves into the pioneers of attachment theory, Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, and their description of attachment as a lasting emotional tie between human beings. It explores the impact of loss and grief on individuals, highlighting the different stages of mourning and the role of attachment styles. The author shares a personal perspective on experiencing loss and the challenges faced in the grieving process. Additionally, the article discusses the role of counsellors in supporting clients through grief and the importance of self-care for counsellors.

Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth are the pioneers of the attachment theory, they described
attachment as a lasting emotional tie between human beings. (Winokuer & Harris, n.d.) They
confirmed that the human being is social being and relationships are indispensable during the
life span, people develop robust and profound bonds not only with each other but with the
lands and possessions as well. These attachments involve an exchange of love, care and
pleasure. (Schachner, Shaver & Mikulincer, 2005).
Bowlby claimed that all individuals have a deep need of care and protection and on these
needs, people build their attachment style. (Greenspan & Bowlby, 1974)
Reflecting on Bowlby s attachment theories, I classify myself as having an avoiding style.
Considering my childhood, my parents used to leave me alone at home because both were
working long hours, so from early child hood I learnt how to overcome my deep need of care
and love.
In order to evaluate the different responses to loss, counsellors need to discover the client s
attachment style. Stroebe and Schut assert that clients with avoidant attachment style will
think more on the restoration of their lives, while the clients with anxious – ambivalent
attachment style will be encapsulated in their losses.
In conclusion, these authors emphasised that the attachment styles forge the pattern of
grieving and its strength after the decease of a loved one or the loss of a safety or security
environment. Thus, Grief is the involuntarily reaction that we have set in our personality from
our early childhood. (Stroebe, Schut & Stroebe, 2005)
Everyone on earth, at one time or another, confronts the events that can be considered as
main losses, they are stroked by grief. Grief and loss are two faces of the same coin.
(Thompson 1998; p. 21)

Susan Lendrum and Gabrielle Syme argue that human being experience many kinds of losses,
development losses are the first losses and they are vital for the growth of a person. As a baby
the person loss a womb, a tooth.
(Lendrum & Syme, 2004.)
Likewise, losses can be functional, like losing the vision or hearing or mental ability, or
interpersonal like social losses due to persecution, change of identity associated to
widowhood.
My mum was hearing impaired, she suffered from this disability a lot. Though she had a
hearing aid, but I noticed that her suffering was more psychological. The more she got older
the less the hearing aid could help her. I remember that when she found out that she was
about to lose her hearing completely she went through denial and anger. She bargained it a lot
and she went to depression as per Elizabeth Kubbler – Ross’s stages of grief but she could
never accept it till she passed away.
Kubler and Kessler explained that the five stages of grief are just tools that help people to
understand what they may encounter in their loss events, but they are not linear timeline in
grief. Grief is a personal journey; each person experiences it differently. (Gross, n.d.)
Primary losses are the main losses that happen in our lives, the consequences of these primary
losses are known as secondary losses not because they are less important but because they are
the results of the main ones (Winokuer & Harris, n.d.)
In my life, I experience many losses, losing my husband in a young age is my biggest loss. I
was 29 and my two kids were 18 months and 3 years old. Bowlby stated that the loss of an
attachment figure usually affects the development of the assumptive world any individual
would form when they were young. Bowlby stated that the loss of an attachment figure
usually affects the development of the assumptive world any individual would form when
they were young. I assume when I got married that I will have a normal life, and I will have

control over my life, that’s why the death of my husband shocked me, and I was very
anxious. I really experienced what Weenolsen claimed that after the death of a beloved
one , people may feel that they don’t have control over their lives as before this event, they
are no more sure of what will happen in the future as the change of role in the family system
will destroy all dreams and future plans, and that a deep change has occurred in their
personalities, they will be no more like before. (Weenolsen, 1988)
Many other losses were folding by my widowhood, my role in the family changed , I
became the main source of income so financily I had to work long hours to support my
family, socialy I became single so I was excluded from almost every events held for
couples.My friends start to come to visit me without their husband as they used to do.
While I needed to adapt to my conjugal broken bond , I found that I suffer not only from a
social loneliness but an emotional loneliness a well
Raphael defined the grief as being the emotions that accompany the loss, and described it as
a combination of anger, sorrow, weakness, blame and hopelessness. grief transform people
lives as it helps to overcome sadness and to move on for life. (Raphael 1984; p. 33).
Many scholars claimed that the grieving process is displayed through stages, phases and
tasks. They argued that even time is considered as having an effective power of healing, still
the person who grieve needs to do something to overcome this period in life. (Gross, n.d.)
Although, the grief experience is very individual, yet scholars such as Elizabeth Kubler,
John Bowlby, Colin Parkes, Therese Rando and William Worden have classified different
models of grief. They outlined it in five models of grief, four tasks of mourning and the dual
process model.
Kubler Ross claims that the bereave go thought renunciation, anger, bargaining, despair
and finally acknowledgement of the loss. While Bowlby found that the bereave might

experience numbness and disbelief, longing and seeking, disorganisation, despair and lastly
reorganisation.
Parkes, Bowlby, Sanders argued that there are four phases of grieving; the first one is when
people try to disregard the reality of the fact and they called it” numbness”
The second phase of yearning when the lost one is deeply missed, and they tend to deny that
the death has actually occurred, and individuals may experience anger. These two phases are
followed by what they called it a disorganisation phase when the bereaved is unable to
function as normal in his daily life. Finally, after experiencing these three phases , the
beareved person start to get back to his normal life. (Gross, n.d.)
As for the tasks, studies showed that the bereaved person need to admit the truth of loss, to
handle the pain of sorrow, and to adjust to their environment without the deceased.
(Kosminsky & Jordan, 2016)
The six Rs phases are described by Rando as a healthy process of grieving and they can
interconnect: Recognise, React, Re-experience, Relinquish, readjust and Reinvest.
On the other hand, Worden claims that the four tasks of mourning are to accept the fact of
the loss, to work through the hurt of grief, to adapt to surroundings from which the deceased
is absent and to psychologically remove the deceased and move on with life.
I relate to Worden ‘s and Kubler- Ross tasks to deal with my grief. As my husband death
was sudden and unexpected, I first denied his death, cant engage in his funeral arrangement,
then I got angry from God, I remember that I went to my prayer room and I was screaming
and cry and asking God why? After a week or so, I started to clear the scene in the house
and get rid of his belongings just to avoid anything that can trigger my emotions as if I was
trying to avoid him.

Though Bowlby and Parkes have argued in their writing about the searching and calling
phase, but in my experience it didn’t t last for long. I didn’t even cry a lot, but my tears
were in private when I was alone, I believe since I had my children too close to me at all
time, I didn’t want them to feel sad or insecure. Finally, I accept the fact of my husband, my
responsibility towards my kids helped me to adjust my life and to go on life without him.
Studying the theory of grief phases, I understand that I experience a combination of all
Numbness, shock, denial and anger according to Kubler and Bowlby. I got physical injury
as per Parkes phases of grief. And finally, I adjusted my life in line with worden’s tasks of
mourning.
When scholars studied the function of the brain in the adaptation of the immune system,
they found that after the loss of a substantial attachment figure the brain increases the
release of hormones in the body. (Winokuer & Harris, n.d.) while grieving I notice changes
in my skin that my doctors classified it as a decease related to depression resulting of the
disfunction of my immune system.
Abakoumkin and schut differentiate between emotional loneliness and community
loneliness, the support of the community can help with social loneliness but does not
comfort against emotion loneliness due to a broken attachment (Stroebe, Stroebe &
Abakoumkin, 1999) one of my secondary losses is the emotion loneliness but on the other
hand, my extended family , my close friend had an effective role in supporting me to
overcome the social loneliness.
In addition, dealing with administration was frustrating but it helped me deal with the
overwhelming emotional adjustment.

As I am Christian Coptic Orthodox, so I believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ,
according to my faith , there no death for people who believe in Jesus Christ but it just a
moving step from the materialistic world to heaven.
Funerals are held at church, and in the cemetery. my kids didn’t attend
Tanimukai argues that sleep disturbances are related to fear. (Tanimukai et al., 2015)
In the Egyptian culture the funeral must be held as soon as the death occurred,
so the funeral of my husband was held six hours after his death. I believe this fact was a
strong factor of my sleep disturbances. the hurry of burying process makes me doubt his
death and feel guilty for burry him. (Worden, 1976)
Cook and Oltjenbruns discussed the family sharing in loss, they stated that the when
someone dies in a family, the loss affect the whole family according to their bonds and
their relationships. I experienced this support when I lost my husband, my family and
my extended family attended the funeral, they provided amicable communication,
created deeper bonds. (Cook & Oltjenbruns, 1998)
Being a therapist is both an influential role and a serious responsibility. skilled counsellors
must be aware of their competencies and weaknesses. They understand that their role is to
facilitate growth and help for their clients. (Parsons & Zhang, n.d.)
Counsellors may confront inner challenges, if they have high expectations of what they can
achieve, or they still suffer from past experiences. Moreover, they can face external
challenges from the work environments and burnouts.
Experiencing a loss events in my life will help the clients to feel that they are not only heard
but also apprehended and valued. Whenever, the counsellors feel that the clients need
exceed their abilities, they can ask for supervision.

Worden states that in a grief and loss counselling sessions, the counsellors may recall their
own experience of loss and its impacts. And at some point, they may “shut down
emotionally” or even to shut the clients down. (Woden, 2009)
That is why counsellors need to care about themselves, observe their unmet need and
unfinish businesses by seeking supervision,