Essay Revision and Analysis

This assignment focuses on revising an essay based on feedback from peers and instructors. The student outlines their self-critique, identifying areas needing improvement such as sentence structure, passive voice usage, and clarity. They then detail the specific feedback received from peers and instructors, highlighting issues with the introduction, analysis of text, and overall conciseness. Finally, the student summarizes the revision process, explaining how they addressed each point of feedback and improved the essay's quality.

Running head: REVISION OF ESSAY
Revision of Essay
Name of the University
Name of the Student
Author note

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REVISION OF ESSAY
1. Self-critique: What did you want to change/revise about the original paper? Be specific
about any “re-visioning” you did. Where is this evident in the changes you made to the
original?
I want to change the sentence construction and wrong use of prepositions in my original
paper. In addition, I want to reduce the length of the sentences, which seem too long. I have
revised the entire paper and made the following changes:
1. Original paper - “As far as the target readers are concerned, according to me, the essay
can strike a chord in the reader of any age, since the composition is exploring the power
dynamics between a vulnerable son and over-powering father”.
Revised paper – I believe that the essay can strike a chord with readers of any age, as far
as the target readers are concerned. I base my belief on the composition of the essay that explores
power dynamics between a vulnerable son and an over powering father.
2. Original paper – “The readers can come across a plethora of themes like how within
the internal periphery, and the child is assaulted by patriarchal norms and practices "He would
see my downcast eyes, my reddened, sweating face..."”
Revised – The readers can come across a plethora of themes like how within the internal
periphery, the child is assaulted by patriarchal norms and practices, "He would see my downcast
eyes, my reddened, sweating face..."
2. Peer Review: What did the peer comments on your paper tell you? What feedback did
you find useful? How did you address their concerns in your revision process? Be specific
with details.

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REVISION OF ESSAY
After going through the peer comments, I found that I have made significant use of
passive voices that I need to avoid. Further, according to the peer review, the first paragraph of
my essay is underdeveloped and it is filled with confusion. In addition, incorrect MLA
formatting in the work cited. As per the comments made by peers, the first paragraph of my
essay does not convey the point I am trying to make.
These comments depict that I have to reduce the use of passive voices in my essay and
develop the first paragraph more precisely. I also have to maintain a smooth flow so that I do not
confuse my readers. Further, I have to use correct MLA format while citing other works.
I accept that the first paragraph of my essay is loose and the words used are vague as
well. Hence, I have made some corrections. I have also tried to remove excessive passive voice
sentences from my essay. I made certain changes keeping in mind, the comments made by my
peers. Following are the changes:
Changes made in passive voice sentences:-
1. Original paper – “Another meaningful interpretation or message that can be derived
from the essay is the sadistic satisfaction that the father used to attain by flaunting his authority
and male dominance”.
Revised – Another meaningful interpretation or message that can one can derive from the
essay is the sadistic satisfaction that the father used to attain by flaunting his authority and male
dominance.
2. Original paper – “Previously, the hegemony of power was solely invested in the
father”.

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REVISION OF ESSAY
Revised – Previously, only fathers had the hegemony of power.
3. Original paper – “The power was channelized through his verbal exchanges and the
frequent sessions of arm wrestling that he used o carry on”
Revised – He channelized this power through verbal exchanges and the frequent sessions
of arm wrestling that he used to carry on
4. Original paper – “My take on reading the essay is that the essay has been written from
an alienated child's perspective.”
Revised – The author has written this essay from an alienated child’s perspective; I feel
who has been subjugated by a powerful father in his childhood
Changes made in first paragraph:-
1. Original paper - “As far as the target readers are concerned, according to me, the essay
can strike a chord in the reader of any age, since the composition is exploring the power
dynamics between a vulnerable son and over-powering father”.
Revised paper – I believe that the essay can strike a chord with readers of any age, as far
as the target readers are concerned. I base my belief on the composition of the essay that explores
power dynamics between a vulnerable son and an over powering father.
1. Original paper – “Why this essay can interest readers of varying age and inclinations
because, written in first person narrative, the essay talk about patriarchal dominance and
expectations”.

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REVISION OF ESSAY
Revised – This essay can interest readers of varying age and inclinations because, written
in first person narrative, it talks about patriarchal dominance and expectations.
3. Instructor Feedback: Which of the instructor’s comments on the paper did you find
useful in the revision process? What were the problems noted? How did you address them
in your revision?
The following instructions seemed useful to me while revising my essay:
1. Key points and examples from textual analysis: “Abstractions are not always explained
in concrete terms. In-text and works cited page needs only minor corrections”.
2. Analysis of text: “Author’s central meaning is presented somewhat vaguely and more
textual examples are needed”.
3. Clear, concise language: “Active voice predominant, but passive voice used too often;
Word choices or phrasings may not always be clear”
4. Mechanics and conventions: “Minor problems with one or two conventions, which
need to be worked on such as identifying and setting off introductory elements or spelling out
numbers”, “Works cited and in-text citations need only minor changes”.
After noting down my instructor’s comments, I revised my paper and made the
alterations accordingly.
I read the essay by Brad Manning again and noted down the key points. After that, I
included the key points from the essay in my paper and explained the abstractions clearly. I also
made corrections in my in-text citations.

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REVISION OF ESSAY
I added more examples from the text to analyze the author’s central theme.
I replaced passive voice sentences with active voices and restructured the sentence. I
proofread my essay, identified the mistakes, and rectified those accordingly. Proofreading
involves identifying technical mistakes in the solution like punctuation and spelling errors and
grammatical errors. In the revision process, I also identified and edited the minor mistakes to
make my assignment error free.
4. Summary of the Revision Process: What process did you use for revising your essay?
What did you do differently from drafting your original? What sections of the essay did
you revise: introduction, thesis, key points, examples given, development of points,
summary, restatement of thesis, and/or conclusion?
To revise my essay, I used the small-scale revision process. This process involves
revising specific parts of the essay that needs rectification or modification. In addition, I
proofread the entire essay and made necessary amendments based on peer and instructor
feedback.
While drafting my original essay, I overlooked some important issues like building a
strong momentum from the beginning, relating my own experiences with that of the author and
so on. Although I thoroughly read the essay by Manning, I lacked the ability to form statements
based on the central theme.
The sections that were revised include introduction, key points, examples given,
development of points and summary.

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REVISION OF ESSAY
The overall revised essay has been attached along with the worksheet. The corrections are
written in red.