The Seven Principles of a Good Marriage and Their Relevance to Relationship Concepts

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Dynamics of Relationships
1. Gottman explains the seven principles of a good marriage (Gottman). While discussing
the seven principles, it would be easier to relate some of them to the concepts of relationships
mentioned in the book.
Principle 1: Enhancing love maps – According to Gottman, couples in a happy
relationship, use love maps to understand each other and express their respect, fondness and
admiration. The concept in Chapter 9 of the book that relates to this principle is the “stages of
relational development”. The first stage of building a relationship that is initiating is a concept
that has a close link to the first principle because love maps refer to knowing the other partner
deeply – their likes, dislikes, hopes and admirations and so on. The second stage that is
experimenting also has a close relation to this principle as this stage involves partners asking
questions like “Where are you from?” “What’s your goal in future?” and so on.
Principle 2: Nurturing fondness and admiration – This principle states that the partner
appreciates and praises the other partner for even the trivial things he or she does for him or her.
Couples generally possess a positive view about each other.
Principle 3: Turning toward – Gottman states that couples who respond enthusiastically
to each other’s query or excitement, remain happily married even amidst turbulent periods.
Principle 4: Accepting influence – Partners accept the domination of each other at certain
stage in their relationship that assists in solidifying it. The stage of differentiating relates to this
principle although the differentiating stage is the beginning of separation as mentioned in the
book.

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Principle 5: Solving solvable problems – Solvable problems like his or her forgetful
nature could be easily solved by putting a note on the refrigerator reminding the partner about the
work he or she forgot to do. This principle could be useful during the stagnating stage mentioned
in the book when partners are on the edge of ending pr terminating their relationship.
2. Gottman brings forth seven principles among which, five have been discussed in the
previous section. The other two include:
Principle 6: Overcoming gridlock – Gottman states that couples go through solvable
problems and perpetual problems. Solvable problems could solve but perpetual problems are
permanent and cannot be solved. In such cases, Gottman suggests, partners could adapt to the
problems of each other. One way to do it is moving from “gridlock to dialogue”. An effective
way of overcoming gridlock is to realize the underlying dreams of each other beneath the
gridlock.
Principle 7: Creating shared meaning – As per this principle, couples can make their
marriages work by collaborating together for a common goal that is spiritually or culturally
enriching. They could work together to initiate a social service or they could help each other
realize their goals.
The last principle that is ‘creating shared meaning’ is the most important principle
amongst the seven principles described by Gottman. The principle requires the couples or
partners involved in marriage to create meanings that both could share. To provide an instance,
the husband could learn about his wife’s long-yearning dream through love mapping and
consider it as his own. He could then work on this and help his wife live her dream along with
him. This is what creating shared meaning means. The couples while working on a single goal
would give each other the time to know each other more deeply and build an environment of
fondness and admiration. Sharing the dream of one another would also lead to increased trust
between each other, which are the most crucial element of any relationship. Creating a shared
meaning also means that the partner is accepting the influence of the other by helping him or her
in achieving his or her dream. As a result, the marriage works better because each partner is not
reluctant to compromise for the other.