CMNS 1291: Evaluation of Routine, Bad News, and Persuasive Messages

This assignment evaluates three types of real-life messages: routine, bad news, and persuasive. It begins by presenting examples of each message type, including a welcome letter, a travel request denial, and a telecommuting proposal. The student then provides a high-level review of each message, offering suggestions for improvement in tone, clarity, and grammar. The student identifies areas where the messages could be strengthened, such as the opening sentences and the use of camouflaged verbs. A detailed review of one message provides specific feedback on the tone, clarity, and word choice, with recommendations for making the message more effective. The assignment demonstrates an understanding of effective communication principles and the importance of tailoring messages to the audience and purpose.

Running Head: EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
Name of the Student
Name of the University
Author Note

1EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
Real-world example of a routine message (Writinghelp-central.com, 2019):
To: All New Team Members - DRS Team
Dear DRS Team
Subject: Welcome To The DRS Family!
Please let me start by sincerely welcoming each and every one of you with open arms to the
Dynamic Real-Estate Systems (DRS) team. I can't begin to tell you how excited I am about
extending our company to include you at DRS Team-India!
I believe that when you decided to join DRS it was a forward looking career move that you won't
regret. I know you all have varying degrees of knowledge about our company so I'll just
highlight a few key points below to bring you all up to speed:
DRS is a major division of American Systems Group, Inc., a nationwide - U.S.A. - company
with superior financial ratios, a proven track record of being profitable every single year,
combined with more than 17 years of continued growth in the information management systems
development and operation business.

2EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
DRS has established a reputation as a leader in the real-estate software industry in the U.S.A. and
currently has offices in 15 states, with more states to follow by the end of this year.
DRS is guided by a team of seasoned senior managers who collectively possess more than 80
years of experience in the IT and systems development and operations industries.
While many of our competitors have been struggling over the past few years, DRS continues to
show significant growth; enabled by a highly productive sales and operations team coupled with
innovative leading-edge technology platforms, processes, and systems that give us the
competitive edge.
I believe that the decision we made a few months ago to set up DRS Team-India is an exciting
and innovative strategy that fits perfectly with our business operations in the Los Angeles area.
With the daily hand-off of files-in-process from DRS Team-USA to DRS Team-India we will be
poised to significantly increase our overall productivity by as much as 50% once we are
operating at full speed. I look to the members of DRS Team-India to take the lead in making that
happen.
I am convinced that a large measure of DRS's success to date is because of its commitment to its
people. When I speak of our focus being on people here I am referring to both our employees
AND our key customers and agents across the United States who deliberately choose to do
business with us.

3EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
To all of our DRS team members, we offer a business environment and culture that provides:
career path advancement, leading-edge and innovative technology platforms, rewards for
exceptional performance, and empowerment and promotion from within. To our valuable and
loyal customers, we strive to do everything in our power to "exceed our customers expectations"
and to always deliver that magical "wow factor" that will keep them coming back for more.
In closing, I just want to reaffirm how thrilled the entire DRS team here in the Los Angeles area
office is that DRS Team-India will be up and running and adding extra value to the products and
services we offer to our clients. Together, I am convinced that we can take DRS to that next level
of success.
Looking forward to personally meeting each and every one of you soon!
Yours sincerely,
Real-world example of a bad news message:
(Web.ics.purdue.edu, 2019)

4EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
To:
From:
Subject: Travel Request Denial
Date:
I regret to inform you that your request for travel funds to travel to the Syllabus Conference in
Santa Clara, California, has been denied. The university has limited funds available for travel
this year and although I know you really want to go, I can't afford to give you the $1500 you
requested which by the way is a lot to request at this late date at the current time of this request.
I hope you understand our position because we really want our faculty to be happy. Even though
I can't pay for this trip, I encourage you to apply again for future travel money because I hope to
receive more money budgeted for travel the next fiscal year of 2000/2001.
Thank you again for your request. I always strive to help faculty fund their travels.
Real-world example of a persuasive message.
(Cengage.com, 2019)
Garett,
Since the announcement in last week’s meeting that we must identify ways to reduce the number
of daily commuters, I’ve considered several possible options. I believe telecommuting could not
only reduce my number of commutes but increase my productivity as well.
One component of my job is conducting research and compiling marketing reports; e.g.,
weekly product line sales and inventory reports, competitors’ new catalog analyses, and

5EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
suppliers’ new product reports. Preparing these reports efficiently requires a day of uninterrupted
time. With my current work schedule and having sales representatives randomly calling for
marketing advice throughout each day, I am pressured to get these reports prepared in time for
Friday’s marketing managers’ meeting.
Telecommuting on Wednesdays would allow me to concentrate on preparing these
reports and coordinating product ordering and marketing strategies without distractions. On
Thursday morning, we could discuss the sales reports and marketing plans before Friday’s
meeting. This plan still allows sales representatives to contact me four days each week.
Can we discuss the benefits of my telecommuting during our Monday meeting? By then I
should know how soon I could get the equipment and software needed to equip a home office to
process information and to communicate with appropriate personnel effectively.
Thanks,
Sender’s name and department name:
Company address:

6EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
Feedback
Step 1: High level Review of each Message
Routine Message:
1. “Please let me start by sincerely welcoming each and every one of you with open
arms to the Dynamic Real-Estate Systems (DRS) team.”-this was not a good starting;
the beginning message should start like this “We feel blessed to get the opportunity
to” or “We are delighted to..”.
2. Instead of this “I believe that when you decided to join DRS it was a forward looking
career move that you won't regret”, there should be sentences like-“ I can claim that,
joining DRS will be proved one of your prudent decisions, as this will multiply your
future career opportunities”
Bad News
1. “we really want our faculty to be happy” should be at the beginning of the message.
2. Moreover, the beginning should be like “Though we always attempt to encourage our
faculty to fulfil their duties to enlighten pupils, we are incapable of arranging travel this
year”.
3. Again, instead of “I can't afford to give you the $1500” it should be “I repent to state that,
in spite of my wish I am not capable of allowing you $1500”.
Persuasive Message:
1. “Since the announcement in last week’s meeting that we must identify ways to reduce the
number of daily commuters, I’ve considered several possible options.” This is a wrong

7EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
way to start a message. The beginning sentence can not start with “We all are aware of
the announcement in last week’s meeting that..”.
2. Instead of “I’ve considered”, it should be “I have considered”. Again, instead of
“Preparing these reports efficiently requires a day”, the writer should use preparation of
efficient reports requires a day..”
camouflaged verbs
grammar, punctuation
Step 2: Copies for Edit
Garett,
A sentence cannot start with ‘Since’
Since the announcement in last week’s meeting that we must identify ways to reduce the number
of daily commuters, I’ve considered several possible options. I believe telecommuting could not
only reduce my number of commutes but increase my productivity as well.
One component of my job is conducting research and compiling marketing reports; e.g.,
weekly product line sales and inventory reports, competitors’ new catalog analyses, and
suppliers’ new product reports. Preparing these reports efficiently requires a day of uninterrupted
time. With my current work schedule and having sales representatives randomly calling for
marketing advice throughout each day, I am pressured to get these reports prepared in time for
Friday’s marketing managers’ meeting.
Informal or language used in oral conversation can not be used in a
formal letter or e-mail message
camouflaged verbs
The
e
pressurized
d
also

8EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
every
Telecommuting on Wednesdays would allow me to concentrate on preparing these
reports and coordinating product ordering and marketing strategies without distractions. On
Thursday morning, we could discuss the sales reports and marketing plans before Friday’s
meeting. This plan still allows sales representatives to contact me four days each week.
Can we discuss the benefits of my telecommuting during our Monday meeting? By then I
should know how soon I could get the equipment and software needed to equip a home office to
process information and to communicate with appropriate personnel effectively.
Thanks,
Sender’s name and department name:
Company address:
1. Readability problems-“Telecommuting on Wednesdays would allow me to concentrate
on preparing these reports and coordinating product ordering and marketing strategies
without distractions”.
2. Camouflaged verbs-“Preparing these reports efficiently requires a day of uninterrupted
time.”
3. Attitude, tone and clarity lacks in the sentence-“ Since the announcement in last week’s
meeting that we must identify ways to reduce the number of daily commuters, I’ve
considered several possible options. I believe telecommuting could not only reduce my
number of commutes but increase my productivity as well.”
coordinate

9EVALUATION OF REAL-LIFE MESSAGES
Step 3: A detailed review of any ONE message
The tone in the beginning sentence should be more cordial. For the purpose of making the
message appealing the sentence “we really want our faculty to be happy” should be at the
beginning of the message. Moreover, the beginning should be like “Though we always attempt to
encourage our faculty to fulfil their duties to enlighten pupils, we are incapable of arranging
travel this year”. Again, instead of “I can't afford to give you the $1500” it should be “I repent to
state that, in spite of my wish I am not capable of allowing you $1500”.

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Reference
Writinghelp-central.com (2019). Welcome letter to new staff members or employees.. [online]
Writinghelp-central.com. Available at: http://www.writinghelp-central.com/staff-letter-
welcome.html [Accessed 22 Jul. 2019].
Web.ics.purdue.edu (2019). EXAMPLES OF BAD NEWS MEMOS. [online] Web.ics.purdue.edu.
Available at: https://web.ics.purdue.edu/~pbawa/421/examples%20of%20bad%20news
%20memos.htm [Accessed 22 Jul. 2019].
Cengage.com (2019). [online] Cengage.com. Available at:
https://www.cengage.com/bcomm/book_content/0324375530_lehman/model_documents/
Persuasive%20Email%20Message.pdf [Accessed 22 Jul. 2019].