Personal Reflection on Grief and Loss: Counselling Theories

This essay provides a personal reflection on grief and loss, examining the author's experiences with the death of her husband and its impact on her life. It explores the application of attachment theory, particularly Bowlby's work, to understand the author's avoidant attachment style and its influence on her grieving process. The essay delves into various psychological theories of grief, including the stages of grief by Kubler-Ross, Bowlby's phases, Parkes' phases, Rando's six Rs, and Worden's tasks of mourning, relating these models to the author's personal journey. It discusses the secondary losses experienced due to widowhood, such as changes in family roles and social isolation. The essay also touches upon the biological and cultural aspects of grief, including the impact on the immune system and cultural practices surrounding death. The author reflects on the support received from family and friends, and the role of faith in coping with loss. The essay concludes by highlighting the author's adaptation and adjustment to life after loss, emphasizing her application of the various grief theories in navigating her personal experience.

Running head: COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Helene Ramzy Abdel Malek
Name of the university:
Author note:
Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth are the pioneers of the attachment
theory, they described attachment as a lasting emotional tie between
human beings (Winokuer & Harris, 2015). They confirmed that the human
being is a social being and relationships are indispensable during their life
spans, people develop robust and profound bonds not only with each
other but with the lands and possessions as well. These attachments
involve an exchange of love, care and pleasure (Schachner, Shaver &
Mikulincer, 2005). Bowlby claimed that all individuals have a deep need of
care and protection and on these needs, people build their attachment
style (Greenspan & Bowlby, 1974). The paper aims to reflect on my
personal grief and loss and the way it has shaped my perceptions of
looking and living my life along with psychological theories in regard to
grief.

1COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Reflecting on Bowlby’s attachment theories, I classify myself as
relating to the avoidance style. Considering my childhood, my parents
used to leave me alone at home as they both worked long hours, so from
an early childhood I learnt how to overcome my deep need of care and
love due to their absence.
In order to evaluate the different responses to loss, counsellors need
to discover the client’s attachment style. Stroebe, Schut and Stroebe
(2005), assert that clients with avoidant attachment style will think more
on the restoration of their lives, while the clients with anxious –
ambivalent attachment style will be encapsulated in their losses.
These authors emphasised that the attachment styles forge the
pattern of grieving and its strength after the decease of a loved one or the
loss of a safe or secure environment. Thus, grief is the involuntarily
reaction that we have set in our personality from our early childhood.
(Stroebe, Schut & Stroebe, 2005).
At one stage or another, every person experiences a loss during
their lives which allows them to experience intense grief. (Thompson,
1998)
Susan Lendrum and Gabrielle Syme argue that human beings
experience many kinds of losses, development losses are the first losses
and they are vital for the growth of a person. First losses include events
such as losing a tooth (Lendrum & Syme, 2004)

2COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Likewise, losses can be functional, like losing vision or hearing, or
interpersonal like social losses due to persecution, or changes of identity
associated to widowhood (Worden, 2018).
According to Kubler-Ross and Kessler (2014), explained that the five
stages of grief are tools that help people to understand what they may
encounter in their loss events, however they are not linear timeline in
grief. Grief is a personal journey; each person experiences it differently
(Gross, 2015).
Losses usually hold deprivations. Primary losses are the main losses
that happen in our lives, the consequences of these primary losses are
known as secondary losses not because they are less important but
because they are the results of the main losses such as loss of guidance,
loss of income and loss of support system (Winokuer & Harris, 2015).
In my life, I experienced many losses, losing my husband at a young
age was my biggest loss. I was 29 years old and my two kids were 18
months and 3 years old. Greenspan and Bowlby (1974) stated that the
loss of an attachment figure usually affects the development of the
assumptive world any individual would form when they were young.
I assumed when I got married that I will have a life like every other
ordinary housewife, and I will have control over my life, that is why the
death of my husband shocked me, and I was very anxious. I experienced
Weenolsen’s claim that after the death of a beloved one people may feel
that they don’t have control over their lives as before this event, they are
no more sure of what will happen in the future as the change of role in the

3COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
family system will destroy all dreams and future plans, and that a deep
change has occurred in their personalities, they cannot go back to their
original selves prior to the loss (Weenolsen, 1988).
Within the main loss of my husband, I experienced other losses as a
result of my widowhood. Firstly, my role in the family changed, I became
the main source of income which is the secondary loss as mentioned
above, I had to work long hours to support my family. Socially, I became
single so I was excluded from almost every event held for couples. My
friends began to visit me without their husband unlike the way they used
to do earlier. While I needed to adapt to my conjugal broken bond, I found
that I suffer not only from an emotional loneliness but a social loneliness
as well.
According to Raphael (1984), grief can be defined as being the
emotions that accompany loss, and described it as a combination of
anger, sorrow, weakness, blame and hopelessness. Grief transforms
peoples’ lives as it helps to overcome sadness, loneliness and the
emptiness however in some way or the other eventually make the person
cope with the loss.
Many scholars claimed that the grieving process is displayed
through stages, phases and tasks. They argued that even if time is
considered as having an effective power of healing, still the person who
grieve needs to do something to overcome this period in life. (Gross,
2015)

4COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Although, the grief experience is very individual, scholars such as
Elizabeth Kubler, John Bowlby, Colin Parkes, Therese Rando and William
Worden have classified different models of grief. They outlined it in five
models of grief, four tasks of mourning and the dual process model.
Kubler Ross claims that those grieving go through stages of
renunciation, anger, bargaining, despair and finally acknowledgement of
the loss. While Bowlby found that the bereaved might experience
numbness and disbelief, longing and seeking, disorganisation, despair and
lastly reorganisation. Reflecting on my experience I can identify each
stages of grieving as I went through them during the years when I was
grieving for my husband’s death.
Parkes, Bowlby, Sanders argued that there are four phases of
grieving; the first one is when people try to disregard the reality of the
fact and they call this ‘numbness’.
The second phase of yearning is when the lost one is deeply missed,
and they tend to deny that the death has occurred, and individuals may
experience anger. These two phases are followed by what is known as a
disorganisation, when the bereaved is unable to function as normal in
their daily life. Finally, after experiencing these three phases, the
bereaved person begins to start getting to work and carry on daily basis
work (Gross, 2015).
As for the tasks, studies indicate that the bereaved person needs to
admit the truth of loss, to handle the pain of sorrow, and to adjust to their
environment without the deceased. (Kosminsky & Jordan, 2016)

5COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
The six Rs phases are described by Rando as a healthy process of
grieving and they can interconnect: Recognise, React, Re-experience,
Relinquish, readjust and Reinvest.
On the other hand, Worden claims that the four tasks of mourning
are to accept the fact of the loss, to work through the hurt of grief, to
adapt to surroundings from which the deceased is absent and to
psychologically remove the deceased and move on with life.
I relate to Worden ‘s and Kubler- Ross tasks to deal with my grief. As
my husband’s death was sudden and unexpected, I first denied his death,
I could not engage in his funeral arrangement, then I got angry at God, I
remember that I went to my prayer room and I was screaming and cry
and asking God why? After a week or so, I began to clear the scene in the
house and get rid of his belongings just to avoid anything that can trigger
my emotions as if I was trying to avoid him.
Though Bowlby and Parkes have argued that the person
experiencing the loss go through every emotion and they even begin to
yearn for the return of their loved in the searching and calling phase, but
in my experience it didn’t not last for long. I didn’t even cry a lot, but my
tears were in private when I was alone, I believe since I had my children
too close to me at all time, I didn’t want them to feel sad or insecure.
Finally, I accept the fact of my husband, my responsibility towards my kids
helped me to adjust my life and to go on life without him.
Studying the theory of grief phases, I understand that I experienced
a combination of all emotions; numbness, shock, denial and anger as

6COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
stated by to Kubler and Bowlby. I got physical injury as per Parkes phases
of grief. Finally, I adjusted my life in line with Worden (2008) tasks of
mourning.
When scholars studied the function of the brain in the adaptation of
the immune system, they found that after the loss of a substantial
attachment figure the brain increases the release of hormones in the body
(Winokuer & Harris, 2015). While grieving I noticed changes in my skin
that my doctors classified it as a disease related to depression resulting of
the decline of my immune system.
Abakoumkin and Schut differentiate between emotional loneliness
and community loneliness, the support of the community can help with
social loneliness but does not comfort against emotion loneliness due to a
broken attachment (Stroebe, Stroebe&Abakoumkin, 1999). One of my
secondary losses is the emotional loneliness but on the other hand, my
extended family, my close friend had an effective role in supporting me to
overcome the social loneliness. In addition, dealing with administration of
funeral preparation was frustrating but it helped me deal with the
overwhelming emotions and to adjust it.
As I am Christian Coptic Orthodox, I believe in the resurrection of
Jesus Christ, according to my faith, there is no death for people who
believe in Jesus Christ, it is just a moving step from the materialistic world
to heaven.
Tanimukai argues that sleep disturbances are related to fear.
(Tanimukai et al., 2015). In the Egyptian culture the funeral must be held

7COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
as soon as the death occurred, so the funeral of my husband was held six
hours after his death. I believe this fact was a strong factor of my sleep
disturbances. The hurry of burying process makes me doubt his death and
feel guilty for burying him. (Worden, 1976).
My son who was three was perplexed, he could not understand what
was happening and often asked me direct questions about when his
father will return, I remember that I tried always to explain that we will go
to him in heaven when we will receive the invitation. For a couple of days,
he refused to eat, refused to go out with anyone except with my brother
and I, however, it didn’t last for long.
As for my toddler, she got high fever for a couple of days, but she
had no clue about what happened and she did not ask, may be because it
was beyond her understanding and beyond her linguistic ability.
Cook and Oltjenbruns discussed the family sharing in loss, they
stated that when someone dies in a family, the loss affects the whole
family according to their bonds and their relationships. I experienced this
support when I lost my husband, my family and my extended family
attended the funeral, they provided amicable communication, created
deeper bonds. (Cook & Oltjenbruns, 1998)
Being a therapist is both an influential role and a serious
responsibility. Skilled counsellors must be aware of their competencies
and weaknesses. They need to understand that their role is to facilitate
growth and help for their clients. (Parsons & Zhang, 2013).

8COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Counsellors may confront inner challenges such as having high
expectations of what they can achieve, or they still suffer from past
experiences. Moreover, they can face external challenges from the work
environments and burnouts.
Experiencing loss events in life helps the counsellor understand the
clients in better ways. The clients may feel that they are not only heard
but also apprehended and valued. Whenever, the counsellors feel that the
client’s needs exceed their abilities, they can ask for supervision.
Worden states that in a grief and loss counselling sessions, the
counsellors may recall their own experience of loss and its impacts.
Therefore, to a certain extent there is a possibility that the counsellor can
recall their experience of loss and pain. At some point, they may “shut
down emotionally” or even to shut the clients down (Woden, 2009). For
example, i often recall my experience and the years of grieving when I
hear someone failing to overcome the phase even after trying hard.
That is why counsellors need to care about themselves, observe
their unmet need and unfinished businesses by seeking supervision.

9COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Reference list
Cook, A., &Oltjenbruns, K. (1998). Dying and grieving. Fort Worth:
Harcourt Brace College Publ.
Goldsworthy, K. K. (2005). Grief and loss theory in social work practice: All
changes involve loss, just as all losses require change. Australian
Social Work, 58(2), 167–178.
https://doi-org.ezproxy.navitas.com/10.1111/j.1447-
0748.2005.00201.x
Greenspan, B., & Bowlby, J. (1974). Separation: Anxiety and Anger
(Attachment and Loss--Volume II). The Family Coordinator, 23(4),
428. doi: 10.2307/583128
Gross, R. (2015). Understanding grief : An introduction. Retrieved from
https://ebookcentral.proquest.com
Hooyman, Nancy, and Betty Kramer. Living Through Loss : Interventions
Across the Life Span, Columbia University Press, 2006. ProQuest
Ebook Central,
INFURNA, F. J., WIEST, M., GERSTORF, D., RAM, N., SCHUPP, J., WAGNER,
G. G., & HECKHAUSEN, J. (2017). Changes in life satisfaction when
losing one's spouse: Individual differences in anticipation, reaction,
adaptation and longevity in the german socio-economic panel study
(SOEP). Ageing and Society, 37(5), 899-934.
Janoff-Bulman, R. (1992). Shattered assumptions. New York: Free Press

10COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Kosminsky, P., & Jordan, J. (Eds.). (2016). Attachment-informed grief
therapy: The clinician’s guide to foundations and applications. New
York, NY: Routledge.
Kubler-Ross, E., & Kessler, D. (2014). On grief and grieving: Finding the
meaning of grief through the five stages of loss. Simon and
Schuster.
MCNEIL JS (1995), ‘Bereavement and Loss’ in Encyclopedia of Social Work,
19th edn. National Association of Social Workers, Washington, DC.
Neimeyer, R. A. (2001). Reauthoring life narratives: Grief therapy as
meaning reconstruction. The Israel Journal of Psychiatry and Related
Sciences, 38(3), 171-83. Retrieved from
https://ezproxy.navitas.com/docview/236941301?accountid=137399
Neimeyer, R. A., Burke, L. A., Mackay, M. M., & van Dyke Stringer, J.,G.
(2010). Grief therapy and the reconstruction of meaning: From
principles to practice.Journal of Contemporary Psychotherapy, 40(2),
73-83. doi:http://dx.doi.org.ezproxy.navitas.com/10.1007/s10879-
009-9135-3
Parkes, C. M. (2013). Love and loss: The roots of grief and its complications. Routledge.
Parsons, R. D., & Zhang, N. (2013). Becoming a skilled counselor. SAGE.
RAPHAEL B (1984), The Anatomy of Bereavement: a Handbook for the
Caring Professions. Unwin-Hyman, London.
Schachner, D., Shaver, P., &Mikulincer, M. (2005). Patterns of Nonverbal
Behavior and Sensivity in the Context of Attachment

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Relationships. Journal of Nonverbal Behavior, 29(3), 141–169.
https://doi-org.ezproxy.navitas.com/10.1007/s10919-005-4847-x
Stroebe, M., Schut, H., &Stroebe, W. (2005). Attachment in Coping With
Bereavement: A Theoretical Integration. Review Of General
Psychology, 9(1), 48-66. doi: 10.1037/1089-2680.9.1.48
Stroebe, W., Stroebe, M. S., &Abakoumkin, G. (1999). Does differential
social support cause sex differences in bereavement outcome?
Journal of Community & Applied Social Psychology, 9, 1– 12..
THOMPSON SC (1998), Blockades to finding meaning and control. In:
Harvey J (ed.), Perspectives on Loss: a Sourcebook. Brunner/Mazel,
Philadelphia.
Weenolsen, P. (1988). Transcendence of loss over the life span. London:
Hemishpere.
Winokuer, H. R., & Harris, D. (2015). Principles and practice of grief
counseling. Springer Publishing Company.
Worden, J. W. (2018). Grief counseling and grief therapy: A handbook for
the mental health practitioner. Springer Publishing Company.
Worden, J. William, PhD, ABPP. Grief Counseling and Grief Therapy, Fourth
Edition A Handbook for the Mental Health Practitioner, Springer
Publishing Company, 2008. ProQuest Ebook Central,
http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/acap/detail.action?
docID=423643.

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Yalom, I. D., & Lieberman, M. A. (1991). Bereavement and heightened
existential awareness. Psychiatry: Journal for the Study of
Interpersonal Processes, 54, 334–345.
ZARA, A. (2019). Loss, grief and depression: potential risk factors in grief-
related depression. Anatolian Journal of Psychiatry / Anadolu
PsikiyatriDergisi, 20(2), 159–165. https://doi-
org.ezproxy.navitas.com/10.5455/apd.2390

13COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
Marking Criteria – Reflective Essay
Not
Satisfactory
Good
Very good
Outstanding
Content
1. Brief summary of the loss experience x
2. Definition of different aspects shaping the experience x
3. Application of models to analyse the experience of loss
and outline possible interventions
x
4. Key theoretical terms and concepts discussed in light of
your experience
x
5. Analysis of current research on this form of loss/losses x
6. Reflection provided on how the experience of loss
might impact student’s work as a counsellor
x
7. Theory and models integrated into discussion x
8. Evidence of self-awareness and ability to self-reflect x
Structure, Presentation and Referencing
1. Main ideas clearly and logically presented x
2. Relevant research and scholarship literature used
appropriately to support claims
x
3. Presentation guidelines followed as specified in the
learning support website (http://sls.navitas-
professional.edu.au/presentation-guidelines-apa-style)
and first/ third person writing style is applied where
required
x
4. Academic writing style is used, including correct
spelling, grammar and punctuation
x

14COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS
5. In-text referencing and reference list follows APA
referencing style (6th ed.) as set out in the APA
website: http://www.apastyle.org/
x
6. Word count is within + or - 10% of requirement Yes
Total Mark: 48/100
Weighted Scale: 24/ 50
Grade: Fail
Comments: While you have clearly done a lot of research Helene and shared a deeply painful
experience, you have not adequately linked the theory to your experience. This will be a great
opportunity to learn how to structure an essay and an argument, so take this to Sarah in Learning
support and get some assistance to re-write it. You definitely appear to have read widely and I’m sure
you have the ability to produce a good essay – you just need some assistance to structure it.
I’m also not sure why so many references had n.d. after them??
Please get Sarah to take you through the referencing guidelines.
All the best,
Kerry

15COUNSELLING IN GRIEF AND LOSS