COMM-3020 Revision Assignment: Analyzing and Rewriting Sentences

This assignment focuses on revising four sentences from an email to improve tone and diction. The task involves identifying the flaws in the original sentences and rewriting them to be more polite and professional. The student explains the issues with each sentence, such as negative tone, passive writing, and demanding language, and then provides revised versions that are clearer, more respectful, and more effective in conveying the message. The assignment aims to enhance communication skills by emphasizing the importance of impartiality, appropriate language, and clarity in professional writing. The student correctly identifies and addresses the shortcomings in the original sentences, demonstrating an understanding of effective communication principles. This assignment is designed to improve the student's ability to write clear, concise, and professional communications. Desklib provides a platform for students to access this and other solved assignments.

To: Jonathan Resource <[e-mail]>
From: Jimmy Human <[e-mail]>
Subject: Follow-Up Request Regarding Workload Increase
CC:
Attached:
25 January 2019
Dear Jonathan,
This is in relation to the last mail dated 5th January 2019, in which we had requested you to
highlight the reasons for the increase in the workload, as stated in the renewed terms of the
contract. As you know, our office’s weekly workload should add up to 37.5 hours; however, our
new contract adds up to 39 hours. Many members of our department are unsure of whether or
not this discrepancy represents a change in policy or an error in drafting the contract.
We would like to know the reasons behind the said changes in the terms of the contract. In light
of the fact that the new contract takes effect 1 February 2019, we are hoping to receive a
response before that date. Your earliest response will enable the team to manage the work
efficiently.
We request you to follow up to the matter on priority basis. If you have any questions or
concerns, you can reach me at 519-111-3333. I look forward to your reply.
Sincerely yours,
Jimmy Human
Revision Assignment COMM-3020 1

SENTENCE: The office would like you to explain yourself.
EXPLANATION: You View.
REVISED SENTENCE: We would like to know the reasons behind the said
changes in the terms of the contract.
SENTENCE: I am sorry if I sound impatient with you in this note, but our office needs you to
write a response so that they can anticipate and manage their work-related duties effectively.
EXPLANATION: Passive writing.
REVISED SENTENCE: Your earliest response will enable the team to manage the work
efficiently.
SENTENCE: I insist that you get back to me as soon as possible on this urgent matter.
EXPLANATION: Negative Tone.
REVISED SENTENCE: I request you to follow up to the matter on priority basis.
SENTENCE: I am writing this email as a follow-up to my email of 5 January 2019, in which I
very reasonably requested a fuller explanation of the workload increase indicated on our team’s
contract renewal.
EXPLANATION: Negative tone
REVISED SENTENCE: This is in relation to the last mail dated 5th January 2019, in which
we had requested you to highlight the reasons for the increase in the workload, as stated in the
renewed terms of the contract.
Revision Assignment COMM-3020 2