Understanding the Different Stages of Friendship

According to the interviewee, TRE, friendship means being loyal, respectful, and understanding towards each other. It's about being able to be oneself without having to put on an act. True friends will not deliberately let each other down, and when mistakes do happen, it's about being mature enough to work through them. TRE also touches upon the hierarchy of friendships, with different stages such as family friend, best friend, and acquaintances.

TREVOR
INT: Ok, so erm, so you’ve got the majority of the information anyway, I mean
primarily the most important thing really is that erm obviously you can withdraw
at any time from the study, apart from when it goes on to the internet.
TRE: It’s too late then yeah.
INT: Yes.
TRE: You’re in trouble if you change your mind then [laughs].
INT: Exactly [laughs]. But up until that point, and we will sort of tell you when that
point’s gunna be.
TRE: It’s alright I just won’t watch my bit [laughs].
INT: Yeah, yeah, I don’t think I’m gunna watch mine [laughs]. Erm but yeah just to let
you know that you can withdraw at any point, and even during today if you don’t
feel comfortable with any of the questions obviously you can just say, that’s fine,
but hopefully there’s nothing too invasive, probing or anything so.
TRE: Ok, yeah.
INT: Do you want a drink of water or anything?
TRE: Er no I’m ok thank you.
INT: Are you alright? Erm and did Alasdair kind of tell you a bit about the study?
TRE: He told me it was er for education, for some kind of education thing or, about
teaching and helping teachers er understand.
INT: Yeah, yeah basically there’s not, there’s not that many teaching erm sort of
materials for looking at qualitative research and it’s quite undervalued in
undergraduate er teaching, you know in undergraduate modules to do with
psychology I think it’s becoming more and more popular, erm so that’s why
Alasdair set this up really just to have a good kind of teaching erm sort of material
you can use to teach people how to do qualitative research and how to do
interviewing, erm yeah different types of interviewing and stuff so, er yeah that’s
pretty much what it’s about, yeah and that’s why it’s gunna be made available
online so it can be used by everybody, erm and then there’s gunna be a book as
well, I don’t know if you’ve heard about that?
TRE: Erm he said something about a book or something, Alasdair’s like one of my er
lecturers so he mentions stuff, but Alasdair’s (inaudible) [laughs], so he mentions
something and you’re trying to …
1
1
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
2

TREVOR
INT: Yeah you’re writing and you’re yeah trying to focus …
TRE: And then he goes off on a tangent and you’re like hang on what am I trying to pay
attention to.
INT: Yeah I mean really what the book’s about is er, it’s, it’s based on these interviews
erm and then each individual person’s gunna write a chapter about different
qualitative research methodologies, so Grounded Theory, erm Interpretative
Phenomenological Analysis, Discourse, erm and then each, sort of each individual
writes a chapter about different, so it’s basically a good kind of methodological
handbook on how to carry out different sorts of qualitative research, so it’s gunna
be used for that as well which is gunna be used for undergraduate research
methods as well, so that’s what it’s about really, yeah. Ok, so I need to close this
window cos I think it might be slightly noisy, it’s not too bad we’ve just got a
massive waste truck who’s stopped outside.
TRE: All good timing.
INT: Yeah, all good timing, I think it’s quite quiet at the moment there’s no students
around, has everyone gone home pretty much?
TRE: Erm we had our exams at the beginning of May so we’ve all finished now so …
INT: Right, so it’s about home time isn’t it, but you’re obviously from Liverpool?
TRE: Yeah [INT: yeah] I live near, I live by the ((LOCAL PLACE)) [INT: oh right, ok,
nice], so er it’s not too far for me to get to [INT: mm], I’m originally from here
so…
INT: Right so it’s not too far for you to travel?
TRE: No.
INT: So you don’t have to go home anywhere, cos you’re already here.
TRE: No, no. This is home [laughs], around the city centre so.
INT: Oh brilliant. Ok well like I said erm, yeah basically you know any questions or
any, any, anything you wanna kind of you know say, or if you want a break or
anything just tell me in the interview and we can stop the recording and
everything so that’s fine.
TRE: Ok.
INT: Does that sound alright?
2
3
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
51
52
53
54
55
56
57
58
59
60
61
62
63
4

TREVOR
TRE: Yeah that’s great thank you.
INT: Ok, so as you know this project is about friendship, erm I want you to think about
one of your friends erm and can you tell me how you became friends with this
person.
TRE: Er I’ll use one that’s probably my er best friend I suppose, I was er, I was working
as a fitness instructor for the council and he was a, he was a customer, he used to
come in like every day, so we just er, this is about, this is about twelve years ago,
and then er we just got to know each other and like he came on like a few of the
staff nights out and then er we’re still friend now and that, although I’m not a
fitness instructor cos I got ill and you know, you know, but we just stayed friends,
so we’re still really good friends, although he lives in Runcorn now and I still live
in Liverpool, we always talk to each other on the phone and see each other like
once a month, twice a month for a night out or …
INT: Ok, and does he tend to go over to Liverpool or do you tend to go to Runcorn?
TRE: Er if we go for a night out he tends to come over here and he’ll stay in mine, but
because he lives like in the middle of nowhere we tend to go over and it’ll be like
house party or a barbeque so we’ll stay over there, but if we’re having a night out
he’ll come over here cos he prefers like Liverpool cos it’s where we always used
to go out when we were younger anyway.
INT: A bit more going on in Liverpool as well, yeah.
TRE: Yeah, yeah. I think it brings back all them memories from when we were young
and mad as well and had hair [laughs].
INT: So that’s quite a nice variation as well I guess isn’t it [TRE: yeah], so you’ve got
kind of your place over here where you can have a bit more of a party and then his
place in the middle of nowhere but you can still have like mates around.
TRE: Go round play on his Wii and stuff [INT: yeah] and barbeque, and yeah it’s nice,
it’s a good friendship, it’s good to have a friend you know that you can always
turn to, and I think you know if he picks up the phone like ‘come round’ you
know, I’ll be there and like it’s vice versa so I’m lucky in that sense to have you
know a best friend like Tom so, that’s why he springs to mind cos it’s more like a
brother relationship than a friendship I suppose, like you know when you get that
really close friend and you know what each other’s things and stuff, you know.
INT: And does that differ then from your other friendships that you’ve got?
3
5
64
65
66
67
68
69
70
71
72
73
74
75
76
77
78
79
80
81
82
83
84
85
86
87
88
89
90
91
92
93
94
95
96
6

TREVOR
TRE: Er I’ve got, I’ve got lots of friends, but er I’d consider that I’ve got like one or
two best friends, Tom’s probably my best friend cos he’s kind of been my best
friend, I’m planning on getting married in 2010 so you know he’s like the best
man type of friend, and then there like other friends, you know I’ve got kind of
friends that are blokes, friends that are girls that are friends and you’ll talk to
them, but you know there’s like different, and then you have like friends where
you work as well don’t you and you know like the relationships in university and
work and just other friends but you, you know you have different types of friends,
do you understand what I’m saying?
INT: Yeah, different groups of friends.
TRE: Yeah different relationships, some that are more like family, and some are just
people that you go out and have a drink with and you know some like you’ll see
like on a work relationship, and, yeah.
INT: Yeah. So what kind of, so you’ve been friends with Tom for twelve years [TRE:
yeah], this friend, erm and what, what kind of things would you do together to
you know sort of pass the time, what kind of …?
TRE: Er play golf, er play pool, bowling [INT: mm], er like when we see each other,
like we used to play, when we were younger before we both, like he’s married
now, like I’m engaged, when we were living at home like and that we was er we
used to be out like every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, and you know like we’d
play golf a couple of times a week, but once you grow up and you get other
commitments and I think things changed, I mean we still get the odd game of golf,
but like work commitments, like he’s working, he runs his own business now so I
mean your commitments are different so it’s hard to try and, you know you can’t
just decide ‘oh I’m gunna go and play golf a couple of time this week’ [INT:
yeah] and stuff so, but like the weekends and like you sort of spent that free time
with your partner cos you haven’t seen, cos they’re working and you’re out and
that, so you don’t really feel like saying ‘oh I’m just gunna leave you for four
hours and go and play golf’.
INT: Yeah, yeah you wanna spend time, time with your partner, yeah. So is that, so you
feel like the activities that you do together have changed since you’ve known each
other?
TRE: They have changed, we were lucky my partner and his partner they get on really
well, so I mean they can have like a girly night and we can go off like to the pub
or something or you know, so it works quite well so, but er I think we got older
we just like to have barbeques now, sitting around, drinking, rather than going out
dancing all night and …
4
7
97
98
99
100
101
102
103
104
105
106
107
108
109
110
111
112
113
114
115
116
117
118
119
120
121
122
123
124
125
126
127
128
129
130
131
132
133
8

TREVOR
INT: That’s age for you that isn’t it?
TRE: You get older and you find it takes like three or four days to recover and it’s just
like ‘no, I don’t want a hangover!’
INT: Yeah, can’t cope with that, too much to do.
TRE: Especially if you’re in work the next day or something, you’re just like ‘oh’, you
just wanna die [INT: yeah], it’s alright when you’re before twenty one and you
know you just don’t get hung-over and then you know after twenty one each year
slowly gets worse I found, either that or I’m drinking more [laughs].
INT: So would you say that things, that the activities you do together as friends now
tend to be sort of more erm relaxed [TRE: yeah] than, than, than what you used to
do previously in terms of like playing golf …?
TRE: Definitely, it’s like when I was eighteen, nineteen we’d go out, just go out about
seven o’clock at night and we’d be out till like two, three o’clock in the morning,
and like I got ill so er, I’ve got M.E [INT: ok], so like I was a different person
before so I could go out and I could be like dancing from like eight o’clock at
night till three o’clock in the morning like a fool and whereas now you know if I
go out I prefer to go to a restaurant and sit there and talk and then you know go to
a club afterward and just spend a few hours there and, we like to go somewhere
where we can talk cos, I don’t know whether it’s an age thing but we didn’t talk
so much when we were younger, we’d just go out and we’d stand there and have a
drink and, but now, I don’t know if it’s because we don’t see each other as much,
but we like to go out and catch up and talk like old men with our pints [laughs]
and put the world to rights.
INT: So do you think it’s then, cos it sounds like you’re saying the activities that you
do together have changed so from going kind of clubbing [TRE: yeah] and
partying and obviously seeing each other a lot more probably then to now more
relaxing and talking, do you think that erm it was your illness that, that changed
those activities or do you think it’s just the age or the circumstance or almost the
location because you moved away from each other, do you, what, what, what do
you think had the biggest impact on …?
TRE: For me er I think things, getting ill, I lost my job, I got, I got fired from my job
[INT: ok] cos I worked for the council er and then I had to come to terms with
being, I was, I came fifth in Brittan’s Fittest Man just before I got ill so I went
from being fit to this, so I had to come to terms with my life again, but like I, you
know you lose a lot of friends when that happens you know the people that you
train with, but that’s why I say Tom’s been a really good friend because you know
5
9
134
135
136
137
138
139
140
141
142
143
144
145
146
147
148
149
150
151
152
153
154
155
156
157
158
159
160
161
162
163
164
165
166
167
168
169
10

TREVOR
he, he respected what was going on and he was there to support me but he wasn’t
in my face [INT: yeah], so I think you know I just had to grow and change, but I
think age affects it [INT: yeah] as well, I think when you settle down and you’re
in a relationship [INT: yeah], and you’re you know like a, you know your partner
sort of becomes your best friend, like his wife will be his best friend and like
Stephanie’s like, I suppose you’d say my proper best friend now cos you’re there
together all the time, you talk and you share stuff and you know [INT: yeah]
although you know you talk to your friends there’s some things you wouldn’t say
that you’d share with a partner and stuff so.
INT: Yeah, ok. Erm so how, how about other friends, I mean do you do similar things
with other friends?
TRE: Er yeah I go out, it’s mainly er like go out for a meal or go for a drink round town
and that, but er Tom’s the person I will sit there until four o’clock in the morning
putting the world to rights [laughs], but when I go out like I tend to er still get up
and make a fool out of myself and dance and, but er like some friends like you
just see like on like er at university and stuff and you know you don’t really go
out for a drink with them and stuff [INT: mm] so there’s like, so that’s nice as
well, you just go for a coffee and stuff and that cos er you know it’s, it’s nice you
just you know you’re not gunna get a hangover or anything [laughs].
INT: [Laughs]. You’re safe in that knowledge with coffee aren’t you [TRE: yeah,
yeah]. So kind of slightly different things then you do with other friends [TRE:
yeah], yeah erm so you say you’ve got different groups of friends so you’ve got
university, people you’ve met at university [TRE: yeah], erm and then you’ve got
work colleagues [TRE: yeah], erm is there any, is there anyone else in that
particular, in the particular group of friends that you’re close to?
TRE: Er … no, I did have another best friend, but er, I’d known him for a long time, but
er he started taking drugs and he changed so, like he was meant to be my, like I
was too ill to be my friend’s best man so he was meant to be the best man and he
let him down a week before the wedding and everything then we tried to be, carry
on being friends with him, but he changed so much that er you know had to walk
away.
INT: Oh ok, so you, he started taking drugs before, before his wedding [TRE: yeah]
and then you couldn’t be his best man because of your illness [TRE: yeah, I was
too ill, yeah], and how did he react to that?
TRE: Er it was a horrible situation cos I ended up having to tell my friend that er my
other friend might not be his best man and I felt worse and I was like ‘look if you
6
11
170
171
172
173
174
175
176
177
178
179
180
181
182
183
184
185
186
187
188
189
190
191
192
193
194
195
196
197
198
199
200
201
202
203
204
205
12

TREVOR
really need someone to do it I’ll do it’, and he was like ‘no you can’t do it you’re
too ill’, and it was just a nightmare.
INT: Yeah, and how did that make you feel, knowing that you couldn’t, couldn’t be
best man?
TRE: Er you feel crap and that cos especially when you know you’re close friends with
two people and you start to feel in the middle cos you know like you’ve got two
best friends and it’s like ‘hang on’ you know, what do you do?
INT: So, and then, so erm what, what, what do you feel that changed then after that
incident, well not being able to be best man, what, how do you feel that, that
changed your friendship?
TRE: Er I don’t, er I don’t know I mean, just er, you know er Jim he just er, it just kept
getting worse and worse and more selfish and selfish, saying nasty things about
my friend’s wife behind her back and like, and that, and then you know he was
going to my friend and saying stuff about me and he’s like trying to play us off
and like I just, I just like you know I’ve had enough, my friend carried on and he
was like ‘oh you’ve got to make an effort’, so I made the effort and each time it
was like you’re getting more and more let down, just like you know there’s no
point, you know cos you know when it starts affecting you personally and how
you feel you know cos people do change over time [INT: yeah], you know events
and life effects people so you know it’s understandable but you get to a certain
point where you have to think ‘hang on this is just not working’ [INT: mm], I
suppose it’s like you know when you’ve had a bad relationship in the past and
you, you know there comes a time when you say you know hands up you know
it’s not doing me any good you’ve got to, you’ve got to walk away.
INT: Yeah, how, when, when do you think you know when that point is would you
say?
TRE: Er when you start getting angry about it I’d say and you know, you know there’s
more bad things than positive things about them, about a relationship, and it’s just
like you know you, it’s just like hang on he’s really making me hate him and
you’re just like, and when you start feeling like that it’s like you know, it’s a bad
place to go so, I mean I think it’s better to walk away than keep getting hurt and
you know and getting into fights and arguments and stuff [INT: yeah] life’s too
short for that.
INT: So you kind of weigh up the kind of negatives …
TRE: Pro’s and con’s
7
13
206
207
208
209
210
211
212
213
214
215
216
217
218
219
220
221
222
223
224
225
226
227
228
229
230
231
232
233
234
235
236
237
238
239
240
14

TREVOR
INT: …and positives in that, in that sense [TRE: yeah] when it becomes more
detrimental to you that’s when you think it’s time to, to walk away.
TRE: Yeah cos when it’s affecting your friends and your relationship with other people
as well, you know you’ve got to, I suppose it’s like the greater good, you’ve got to
take everything into consideration [INT: mm] and you know you have to make the
choice, sometimes choices in life aren’t easy, but I mean you know you have to
make them.
INT: Absolutely. So how, how did you go about then erm ending that friendship in that
sense?
TRE: Er ... I don’t know it was weird last year I was going, I was taking a friend and his
wife out for dinner cos they’d taken us out for dinner a few times cos you know
I’d become a student [INT: yeah] and I wasn’t working so it was like a thank you
for you know, you know helping us out and stuff so, and he was just like ‘oh I’m
coming along’ and I was like yeah, I said ‘this, this dinner you know is a thank
you and I’ll be going out another day for my birthday’, and he just started being
really abusive towards me so I was just like ‘oh, I’ll tell you what, forget it’ [INT:
right], it was like ‘don’t call me, we’ll call you’, and I was just like, the fact that,
that was it and you know, he, but I think he got the message that I’d just had
enough by the tone of my voice, but I haven’t bothered calling him and he hasn’t
called me [INT: ok], so I definitely think that friendship was er over, which is sad
cos I’ve known him since I was er sixteen in college you know what I mean so it
was a long, a long friendship.
INT: So you’ve known him for a long time.
TRE: And it did hurt but he’d changed so much into someone I didn’t recognise
anymore [INT: yeah], and that, that’s the problem.
INT: Yeah, yeah, and erm … and then you sort of mentioned that you know not, not
being able to be best man you felt had some impact on the relationship did this
coincide with him, him taking drugs as well?
TRE: I think that started, he went to Australia and that’s when our relationship really
changed, it was a few years ago, what 2003, erm like I started going out with er
Stephanie my partner, like he was always, like always ringing me up on a
Saturday ‘are you coming out?’ and I was like ‘oh I’m with Stephanie’ and you
know like when I wasn’t, when I was like eighteen and I was like ‘oh are you
coming out?’ and he’d be like ‘oh I can’t come out I’ve got no money’ and stuff
like that [INT: right], and then this sort of changed like when I, when I got into a
relationship he wanted to go out all the time, I was like ‘hang on’ you know
8
15
241
242
243
244
245
246
247
248
249
250
251
252
253
254
255
256
257
258
259
260
261
262
263
264
265
266
267
268
269
270
271
272
273
274
275
276
16

TREVOR
[chuckles], you know and then he went to Australia and I think he started
dabbling with drugs and stuff over there with some of his friends [INT: ok] and he
came back and he, he was just, he was different, but you know I kept on trying
[INT: mm] and, cos you know you don’t, you don’t, good friends are good friends
and, but there’s only so much you can do.
INT: … You can take, yeah absolutely. So you feel that, that when you got into a
relationship that had an impact as well for him because he felt like he didn’t have
…
TRE: Yeah, yeah, he probably felt, he probably felt er like, I don’t know ‘Trev’s always
there you know, just give him a call and he’ll be over Saturday night’ and I was
like you know ‘hang on’ you know suddenly I wasn’t, I wasn’t there [INT: yeah],
you know and, but I was older then I was like twenty one and you know that’s the
time in life where you start settling down anyway, I was like and I don’t wanna go
out drinking until four or five o’clock in the morning [INT: yeah], and you know
I’ll come out for a few hours, but again I got ill so I mean everything was
changing for me anyway so [INT: yeah], so it was just er a bit complicated.
INT: Yeah, absolutely. Erm so, so, erm Tom the guy you were talking about at the
beginning, erm how long, how long can you imagine staying friends with Tom
for?
TRE: I think we’ll be friends forever me and Tom, I mean don’t get us wrong we’ve had
our, we’ve fallen out, and we’ve you know as mates do and family do, we’ve had
arguments, we’ve disagreed on stuff and that, but you know we’ve always both, I
suppose you could say it’s a, I don’t know whether it’s man enough or not, like
he’s, he’s like texted each other and said like ‘I’m sorry’ and I’ve gone like ‘yeah,
yeah we were a bit stupid’ then you know we’ve just sort of like put it behind us
[INT: made up] and carried on, and I suppose that’s the sign of a good friend, cos
you have like other friends like I said when I trained I used to have lots of training
friends that, who I trained with but once I wasn’t able to train, like a lot of my
friends stopped being friends, a lot of the fitness instructors that I was friends with
were just like the sort of, slowly and slowly like you’re contacting them and then
you know it, it’s getting longer and longer for them to contact you back [INT:
yeah] and it’s just like oh well you know they’re not really true friends, they’re
only friends from like that er that community sense of you know you’ve, once you
lose that thing that’s in common [INT: yeah] and that, that sort of breaks the tie I
suppose.
INT: I was just gunna ask you why, why, why do you think then that, that, what’s
different within those, within those friendships, so those friendships that work and
9
17
277
278
279
280
281
282
283
284
285
286
287
288
289
290
291
292
293
294
295
296
297
298
299
300
301
302
303
304
305
306
307
308
309
310
311
312
313
18

TREVOR
then like you say someone like Tom who’s a very close friend who stuck by you
when you got ill erm what, what, what do you think is different within those,
those two sort of friendships that make Tom more long standing if you like?
TRE: With er Tom I was like his instructor and I helped him lose weight and you know
[INT: mm] I helped him when he was going through bad times so you know, and
he’s helped me and, whereas other friends and that you know they’re your friends
because you see them every day and you’re training and you’re doing stuff but
[INT: yeah] I think cos I went out side of the mould, I wasn’t there like six, seven
days of the week to train with them and you know sort of like oh I’ve, I’d left the
group kind of thing if you understand what …
INT: Yeah, so it was almost like you’ve got just that one thing in common with those
people whereas with somebody that you’re closer to you’ve got more things …
TRE: You can form those ties.
INT: Yeah.
TRE: Cos when you’re training with people you know and going out for a drink with
them it’s like a social thing but I suppose like the bond was the training and
working with these people, you know like when you go outside the mould and
you know you, you get like redeployed to another department it’s like ‘oh he’s not
with us any more’ and [INT: yeah], cos I went from being a fitness instructor, I
was off for a year and then I ended up coming back and working in the
management office with the council for the sport centres, so it was like, it was
like, it was one of them as well er ‘oh he’s not one of us any more, he‘s with the
managers’ type of thing [INT: right] and you know how people get, it’s like, it’s
like ‘oh he’s turned on us now’, you know ‘he’s friends with the managers and he
talks and he has a laugh and joke with them’, and then I got transferred to
education and then it was like ‘oh he’s er he’s nothing to do with sport any more
and …’
INT: Right yeah, it seems like the dark side or something [laughs].
TRE: Yeah, yeah cos I got redeployed to education so you were making new friends
[INT: yeah] and then I went back to sport and then like the friends that you made
in education it was like ‘you’ve gone back to sport, you’ve gone back to another
department’ and it’s just like ‘yeah, I’m still the same person’, but it’s how people
in their own minds, you know they form their own opinions and stuff [INT: yeah]
and you know like their own bonds, I suppose it’s like you know you’re part of a
team and ‘oh he’s not part of our team, he’s in an other, he’s gone …’ I suppose
10
19
314
315
316
317
318
319
320
321
322
323
324
325
326
327
328
329
330
331
332
333
334
335
336
337
338
339
340
341
342
343
344
345
346
347
348
20

TREVOR
it’s like if you’re a footballer and you play for Everton and then you go to play for
Liverpool and all the fans are like you know [laughs].
INT: Yeah switching between, side to side.
TRE: Yeah and like ‘hang on you know where does his loyalty lie’ and [INT: yeah], but
when you’re sent to theses places you have no control over it you just, you’re just,
you’re just the sheep aren’t you, the pawn, you just go wherever they tell you to
do to try and keep your job [INT: yeah] and people, some people, I suppose you’d
say people are shallow in some senses and stuff, but you know it’s a learning
experience, you learn from it and you grow so.
INT: So did you form any lasting friendships from the times when you moved from er
like you say from the management side then to the education side, did you form
any friendships when you were changing jobs?
TRE: Er the managers I worked with and that they still email me now and see how I’m
doing cos er they didn’t want to sa[ck], what they called er incapacity, I was
incapable of doing my job as a fitness instructor so [INT: right] I got my contract
terminated, they didn’t want to do it but er, cos it was the council and they were
short of money, I’m, my job was er fifteen grand they could save so er [INT:
right] so it was sort of ‘bye, bye’ [INT: yeah] and that but er like I still get the odd
email ‘how you doing? How’s university?’ you know cos, cos I did, did form
friendships with them, I think it’s cos I was like you know a few, I was the same
age as like their sons and daughters and like you know cos I was ill and I did
make the effort to, to work and stuff [INT: mm], I think they sort of respected that
so they have stayed [INT: stayed in contact] in touch but I wouldn’t, wouldn’t call
them proper friends, but they’re just like you know associates that you know ‘how
are you? And how’s your wife and daughter’ and you know and it’s like ‘oh how
are you and Stephanie?’ in an email and you email back and if you saw them and
that you’d have a pint with them [INT: yeah], or you know if you saw them in the
street you’d stop and shake hands and talk and [INT: yeah] you know it’s there,
it’s a friendship but it’s not a best friend type of friendship.
INT: Yeah and it’s very different.
TRE: Yeah it’s a different relationship.
INT: Yeah, ok. Erm and then can you think about the friends that you had at school?
TRE: Oh we’re talking a long time ago now [laughs]?
INT: Can you tell me anything about the friends that you had at school?
11
21
349
350
351
352
353
354
355
356
357
358
359
360
361
362
363
364
365
366
367
368
369
370
371
372
373
374
375
376
377
378
379
380
381
382
22

TREVOR
TRE: School er I had er quite a few friends in school, but I went to an all boys’ school
so er [INT: ok], I went to a rough all boys’ school, I went to ((SCHOOL))
Comprehensive School [INT: right], er quite rough, yeah so er, er I had lots of
friends, but er I suppose no one that I really wanted to stay in touch with cos there
was like er three classes of people you had the people that were really rough and
really naughty, you had the really intelligent ones that the teachers gave their
attention to and then there’s the quiet ones like me [INT: right], and yeah so er
and just er, I was dyslexic as well and I didn’t know at that time so I thought I was
thick so I was just always quiet and I just kept myself to myself but I did have
friends and stuff and that, but er school wasn’t one of my favourite places.
INT: So it wasn’t a great experience?
TRE: No.
INT: Yeah, erm and did you have the same group of friends throughout school, or did
you change?
TRE: Er it was funny I had friends in junior school and they went to senior school and
so we sort of all stayed friends all the way through school, but there was other
friends you know from other schools and other classes and you know we’d go out
to town and you know and stuff and you know go round to each other’s house and
stuff and yeah we were, I don’t suppose we were friends enough to er, you know
we all went off and did our own different things like some went off to A levels
and university and like I went, I went to college because er I didn’t do that well in
my GCSE’s because I was, I was dyslexic [INT: mm] and that so you know we
just all sort of went our own separate way after school.
INT: So did you stay in contact with any of your friends from school?
TRE: Er I talk to a few of them on Facebook [INT: right] and er MSN still and that er
you know we catch up and that you know ‘how you doing?’ like one lad moved
back to Wales, er one lad’s er in the police force now and you know so we do er,
we do stay in touch, but now er I wouldn’t say we’re friends like we used to be,
we were kids then and as a kid you don’t really know much about anything, you
think you do, but I mean it all changes when you grow up and you start work and
then.
INT: Yeah, absolutely, especially when you go in different directions I think as well
from school, so are you in, are you in close contact cos Facebook’s an interesting
one in terms of friendship I think because erm you can kind of be friends with
somebody but also kind of like say have that, that distance as well so you can
catch up …
12
23
383
384
385
386
387
388
389
390
391
392
393
394
395
396
397
398
399
400
401
402
403
404
405
406
407
408
409
410
411
412
413
414
415
416
417
418
24

TREVOR
TRE: You can catch up when you want to rather than you know just like, yeah like they
message you and you message them back, I wouldn’t say it’s like a close
friendship, it’s just like, again like work a couple of times a month, but I suppose
it’s nice that you know we are in touch and we do keep threaten that we’re all
gunna meet up and have a drink and …
INT: Has it happened yet?
TRE: We haven’t got round to it yet no [chuckles].
INT: It’s hard when you’ve got different life styles going on as well isn’t it?
TRE: Yeah.
INT: So have you, have you done that since then, school, have you met up with your
school friends since school at all?
TRE: Erm I’ve met a few around town and stuff, just bumped into them and we’ve had
a drink and stuff and that but er I haven’t overly gone out of my way [laughs], cos
I’m, you know I’m, I’m quite different to a lot of the people I went to school with
and you know I’ve tried to distance myself from that, but I don’t know whether
that’s good or bad thing, a few people I suppose you could say were er what you’d
class as scallies and you know I didn’t want nothing to do with that so I’ve moved
[INT: moved away from that], moved away yeah [INT: yeah] and you know I’ve
moved to the city centre and you know I’m trying to get my career going, well I
had a really good career and I lost that so I’m trying to rebuild my career and
everything so.
INT: And you feel like those friendships might not be particularly sort of productive for
you then with this new change?
TRE: It was a different life wasn’t it, it’s different when you’re in school, I mean you
know I’ve changed a lot, I’m not the er the quiet person who’ll sit there any more,
don’t get me wrong I’m not overly loud or anything, I tend to sit there and take
things in but if I’ve got something to say I’ll say it whereas when I was younger
I’d just be like ‘yeah whatever’ [INT: yeah] and that would be it, sometimes I
don’t think that people appreciate me the way I am, I am now cos er now if they
do something I don’t like I’d just be like ‘ok whatever’ [laughs] that’s life ‘see
you later’ [INT: yeah].
INT: So do you think without Facebook then, do you think you would have been in
contact with the people that you are in contact with from school?
13
25
419
420
421
422
423
424
425
426
427
428
429
430
431
432
433
434
435
436
437
438
439
440
441
442
443
444
445
446
447
448
449
450
451
26

TREVOR
TRE: Probably wouldn’t be bothered no, just, just er found them when I signed up, I put
my er you know you put your school in and loads of people started messaging me
and were like ‘oh how you doing?’ and I was like ‘oh god I haven’t talked to you
since like 1995’ and you know [INT: yeah] cos that’s like when I left school, so
it’s like you know catch up and then like you know like er MSN address and if
you’re online like and that and you know like, like at first we did catch up and say
what we’ve been doing and that, like now it’s just like a ‘oh, alright? How’s
things going?’ and like one lad he’s a teacher so it’s like ‘how’s your job going as
a teacher?’ and you know the other one as I said he’s in the police force like you
know like ‘how’s your arrest rate doing?’ and stuff like that [laughs].
INT: So quite kind of casual conversations, yeah, yeah, and how, how, how does it feel
to catch up with people over something like Facebook?
TRE: Er it’s interesting cos you know, I mean it’s good to know people are still alive
and stuff isn’t it [INT: yeah], you know it’s interesting seeing what people have
gone on to do cos you know er they’ve gone off in completely different directions
to what I thought they would have done [INT: ok], the lad who lives in Wales
now, he always wanted to be a vet and he turned out to, you know he always you
know be good at school and at A levels and university and he went of and he was
a truck driver for like eight years [INT: oh wow] and then decided to do his er
access course and went off to be a teacher [INT: oh ok], the other lad he’s meant
to be like er you know quite academic and that er you know he was like, he went
off and he was a mechanic and like he’s gone into the police now and like I’m not
the academic one and I’ve come to, I’m in university [laughs].
INT: You’ve come the furthest academically.
TRE: Yeah so it’s like everything’s you know everything’s mixed around and swapped
around [INT: yeah], cos I did my qualifications through er I worked my way up
from a basic fitness instructor qualification and you know working my way up to
the equivalent of a sports science degree [INT: ok], and er you know I was like,
all my fitness qualifications in sports psychology I can’t do that any more and I
was like ‘what am I gunna do? I’ve lost my job, I know I’ll go to university’, so I
did the access course and I’ve come here cos I wanna go back into rehabilitation
but on er on the other side so [INT: ok], all your friendships and everything and
you know what you learn from other people helps you to [INT: yeah] help
yourself and you know get a direction in, in life.
INT: And do you think how it would have been if you hadn’t have been in contact with
your friends from school, do you think that would have made a difference to your
…?
14
27
452
453
454
455
456
457
458
459
460
461
462
463
464
465
466
467
468
469
470
471
472
473
474
475
476
477
478
479
480
481
482
483
484
485
486
487
488
28

TREVOR
TRE: No, no, I, you know er I’m one of these people er I make a plan and I, and I
decide what I’m gunna do, you can do anything if you put your mind to it, it
might be hard and you might fail along the way but you just got to keep er, keep
going and you get there eventually [INT: yeah], that’s what I’ve learned through
life and friendships and everything and you know you’ve got, but er no it
wouldn’t make any difference to me, I mean it was nice, nice catching up with
them when I went on Facebook last year and that, cos it was like, like lots of
people you know ‘oh you’ve got to go on Facebook’ and you know like er, like er
I was on like Ufinder you know where you meet mature students before you come
to uni so [INT: oh right, ok], like er there’s one person that I’m on the course with
and like we met on Ufinder so we were friends before we came to uni which was,
cos on the first day it wasn’t, it wasn’t like ‘I’m an old man here by myself with
all these kids’, but er so I was like, I went on Facebook, but if I hadn’t have met
them again it wouldn’t really bother me so to say [INT: yeah], it’s just nice
knowing that you know, that people are still around, you know it’s nice that
they’ve still the respect you know to wanna ask about me and you know [INT:
yeah], it’s, it’s nice to have the interaction [INT: yeah], and you know maybe I
suppose it makes you feel good that you’ve got interaction with er people that you
used to know although you’re not the same friends like we were when we were in
er school, you’re not like a little gang of mates and stuff now it’s, it’s nice to
know that you know people still want to talk to you …
INT: Yeah and they’re still around and doing well and yeah, absolutely, yeah. So do
you think the friends then that you’re friends with on Facebook, how long can you
imagine being friends with these old school friends for?
TRE: Well er I don’t know, see what happens, I suppose as long as I’m using Facebook
[laughs], although Facebook’s more for er games and distractions, you know
when you’re having a break from your course work.
INT: Its more procrastination than it is anything else [laughs].
TRE: I shouldn’t really say that on camera should I [laughs], I study really hard
[laughs].
INT: So this, this website that you said you met mature students and you developed a
friendship from there, can you tell me a bit more about that?
TRE: Yeah it was one of those, you know where you send off to UCAS and UCAS
emails you and it was like er ‘you find five people who are going to university
and going on your course’ so you sign up and you put like your er like er ‘I’m
going to, I’ve applied for like er John Moores to do Applied Psychology’ [INT:
right] and like you can go on and see other people that have er [INT: ok] you
15
29
489
490
491
492
493
494
495
496
497
498
499
500
501
502
503
504
505
506
507
508
509
510
511
512
513
514
515
516
517
518
519
520
521
522
523
524
525
30

TREVOR
know applied to do psychology so you just start talking to them, it was like you
know ‘how do you think…’ and I’m like, I was lucky some of them were mature
students, I was like ‘oh what do you think it’s gunna be like’ and you know and I
was like on the first day ‘oh shall we meet up before and er go and get a coffee
and like go in together’ and so, so we did that and it, I suppose it was better than
you know going in and being by yourself.
INT: Yeah, absolutely.
TRE: Like coming into education, I suppose it’s different well it is different like going
straight from school to uni, than you know like working, going and doing your
access course and then coming to uni, it’s like a …
INT: Yeah, it’s a different root isn’t it that you’re taking.
TRE: I mean you don’t, you know what to expect, but you don’t know what to expect so
[INT: yeah], I mean luckily I’m quite friendly anyway so it’s been, it’s been a
good experience for me.
INT: I was just about to ask you, well first of all how did erm, so did, did, did a
friendship develop then from this initial meeting?
TRE: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, its funny cos er like er we’re in the same, our surnames
are similar and that’s how we’ve been in like the same groups [INT: right] and
you know the same classes and, so that’s been good, but like I’ve made other
friends you know some people are nineteen some people are older [INT: ok] and
I’m the oldest and [laughs], but you know er I find if you just talk to people and
you show them respect they’ll respect you back and that’s, that’s the key to being
friends with people, you’ve got to, it’s about give and take and you’ve got to
listen [INT: yeah] and stuff and.
INT: So how did you find coming to university as a mature student and making friends,
cos that’s quite a unique experience isn’t it?
TRE: I don’t know I think, I think er it’s not too bad cos I think I’m still eighteen, in my
mind I still feel eighteen, and you know I’m always up for a laugh and a joke and
that so it’s er, luckily I’ve seemed to have slotted in and I’ve made some er, some
friends and like we’ve done work together and we’ve been out for a drink a few
times and you know like even when we’re on holiday like we all like talk to each
other on MSN or text each other or you know er sometimes even talk on the
phone [INT: ok], it’s weird though cos I’m like the, like they’re all, cos I’m like
the only bloke and that cos I’m doing a psychology course and unfortunately it
turns out that the majority of the course are girls so [INT: female, yeah], yeah so
16
31
526
527
528
529
530
531
532
533
534
535
536
537
538
539
540
541
542
543
544
545
546
547
548
549
550
551
552
553
554
555
556
557
558
559
560
32

TREVOR
er but luckily, luckily from my background of working with er young people, old
people, everything it doesn’t bother me so I’ve just been able to fit in and become
one of the girls kind of [laughs].
INT: So do you think, do you think, do you think your previous, your previous job like
you say interacting with so many different varieties of people, do you think that’s
then helped you in terms of developing a friendships?
TRE: Yeah that’s, that’s definitely helped me in who I am now and the way I form
friendships because when I was eighteen I started in the gym, I was terrified [INT:
yeah] and you know like er, like the youngest person that came was fourteen and
the oldest person was eighty and you work with people that have had heart attacks
and stuff and at first it’s like ‘ok well they’re er sixty five how do I, how do I talk
to them’ and you know ‘I’ve got to show them respect’, and, but you know just by
being, I suppose by being me and you know just showing them respect and that
you know you form these friendships and you know you find that you can like,
everybody’s got their own story to tell so it’s, it’s, I suppose that’s the psychology
side, you sit there you know and you listen to them, you know like people with
stories about the war, and then you know younger people have got their own
stories [INT: yeah], and you know it’s, it’s good er, it’s been a good like building
block for me to you know learn how to talk to, talk to people and interact with
different people so I mean I’m lucky I suppose, I suppose you’d call it a skill that
I’ve developed [INT: yeah] you know which is probably gunna be important
considering I wanna be a psychologist [INT: yeah, absolutely], so I think you’ve
got to be able to listen and not talk too much, unfortunately sometimes I [laughs],
I do talk too much, luckily this is an interview [laughs].
INT: You’re allowed, you’re allowed, it’s alright.
TRE: Don’t worry if it’s a class I’ll be just sitting there quietly at the back not saying
anything [laughs].
INT: So erm, so in terms of friendships you’ve developed at uni it sounds like you’ve
developed quite a wide friendship base, would you say that all your friends are at
different ages, different groups of people, I mean what …?
TRE: Yeah different backgrounds [INT: ok], you know er some, a couple of them are
mature students, a couple of them come straight from school, and you know come
from different places, some are from like Birkenhead, some are from Liverpool,
some are from like Wales, and lots of different places so it’s, it’s good cos you
learn about different areas as well I mean some of the places I haven’t been to so
it’s like ‘what’s it like? Oh it would be nice to go there’ and then it’s like ‘oh
where would you recommend going if I do go there?’ and so again it’s all about
17
33
561
562
563
564
565
566
567
568
569
570
571
572
573
574
575
576
577
578
579
580
581
582
583
584
585
586
587
588
589
590
591
592
593
594
595
596
597
34

TREVOR
experience like er cos I’m from, I mean like people say ‘oh where’s the best place
to go out Trev?’ and I’ll say ‘oh go there and there but er I wouldn’t go there’.
INT: Right so you can impart your knowledge and wisdom with each other.
TRE: Yeah, yeah, ‘you definitely wouldn’t fit in in that place, that’s a bit rough you
don’t wanna go there’ INT: yeah] and that, so again friendship’s about sharing
knowledge [INT: yeah] and experience.
INT: And would you say that you’re experience erm of making friends at university
was different to what you’d expected?
TRE: No, no, no I just er no I’m friendly I knew I could make friends, I’m not being
egotistical or anything but I’m, I’m just, I’m, I mean my philosophy in life is I’m
just, I’m just, I’m just the way I am I mean you know some people are gunna like
me, some people aren’t and you know, I mean but I can’t change fundamentally
who I am [INT: yeah] you know so I mean, you know I’ve always been taught
from when I was a kid you know treat people with the respect that you want to be
treated with and I’ve found you know that, that’s a, I mean by doing that a lot of
people you know are willing to respect you back and you know that’s how a
friendship forms and, yeah.
INT: Yeah, absolutely. So have you, have you developed a kind of close one friend at
uni or have, is it just more that you’ve got this kind of close group of friends?
TRE: Er well I suppose the person that er I knew before uni, I suppose like we’re a bit
closer than everyone else cos we like tend to er talk on er MSN then we text each
other quite a lot, but my girlfriend’s got to know them as well and my girlfriend
even talks to them on MSN and that so I mean it’s, it’s quite, quite good.
INT: So this is the person that you met just before, this is the mature student that you
met just before yeah you came to university so, so would you say that experience
sort of, sort of solidified your relationship then in that sense?
TRE: Yeah I suppose so cos we’re both from different backgrounds we’ve both er done
different things and you know we’ve er worked hard to get here and we’ve got
here and you know [INT: yeah] and that so, but cos we’re a similar age as well I
suppose you know we remember the eighties, Transformers and Button Moon and
all that you know what I mean.
INT: [Laughs]. So does your friendship with that mature student differ from your
friendships with the younger students?
18
35
598
599
600
601
602
603
604
605
606
607
608
609
610
611
612
613
614
615
616
617
618
619
620
621
622
623
624
625
626
627
628
629
630
36

TREVOR
TRE: Er I don’t know I mean er probably a bit, a bit closer but I mean you know I will,
I will talk to the younger ones about Button Moon although they haven’t got a
clue what I’m talking about [laughs].
INT: [Laughs]. Just talk at them about it, its fine.
TRE: Yeah, ‘go on YouTube’ [laughs], ‘YouTube it’ [laughs], no that’s what I say to
them ‘if you don’t understand what I’m say just go on YouTube and it’ll be on
there’ relic of the past [laughs].
INT: Cos that, that, that can often, that can often be the divide can’t it at university
between mature students and younger students, I know in my time at university
that you know you tend to have the mature students at the front and the younger
students kind of …
TRE: Oh no we sit at the back [laughs].
INT: Oh right, ok, you guys sit at the …
TRE: We broke the mould ask Alasdair and that [INT: I was gunna say, yeah] I think it
makes him worry and that cos like we sit at the back like and he just leaves like,
we’re all shy and reserved [laughs].
INT: But that seems like it’s been quite a different, you know from my own experience
and erm it seems like quite a different, like you say your experience from perhaps
erm you know mature students I think we used to think they stayed within their
own group and they just talked you know, and probably that was erm partly our
fault as well in that sense that we didn’t really interact that much with mature
students you know when I was at university, so it sounds like you’ve had a very
different experience.
TRE: I think it’s different with me cos er you know I know a lot of mature students who
are like ‘we’re mature students, they’re young students’, and it’s like the younger
students ‘we’re young students, they’re mature students’, and, but with my
background it’s like everybody’s a person [INT: well yeah, absolutely], you know
someone talks to me I’m gunna talk back and you know [INT: yeah], you know
like if you talk, I mean all you have to do is say ‘hello, how are you? How are you
finding it?’ you know [INT: yeah] and like you know you’ve got to be willing to
break the ice and I think a lot of er mature students will probably feel ‘how are
they going to take me if I go over and start talking to them?’ whereas you know
it’s just natural to me, I mean I suppose it’s cos it’s what I’ve done all my
working life and that, I mean I don’t feel any different, I mean you know I can
walk into a bar full of you know older men and you know I can sit down and talk,
19
37
631
632
633
634
635
636
637
638
639
640
641
642
643
644
645
646
647
648
649
650
651
652
653
654
655
656
657
658
659
660
661
662
663
664
665
38

TREVOR
and I could go in to a you know a young place and that you know I’ll sit down,
I’ll talk to anyone.
INT: Yeah, so I think that’s, maybe like you say it sounds like it’s been really positive
having that experience previous to coming to university, like accepting that
people are people and each have their own life story has been quite fundamental
in developing friendships it sounds like.
TRE: I think that’s what some of the younger ones have thought as well ‘hang on he’s
er, he’s normal, he likes a drink, he has a laugh and that’ and you know just like I
go ‘god when I was your age’ and like I tell them like what me and my mates
used to get up to and they’re like ‘oh god we never …’ [laughs]
INT: Didn’t expect that [laughs].
TRE: Yeah.
INT: It sounds like you know it’s quite fundamental in breaking down barriers and
preconceptions as well.
TRE: Yeah that’s something a lot of people have, barriers, I mean like people like er
form their own groups like you know and like their cliques and you know it’s like
‘we’re old’ and ‘we’re young’ and (inaudible) and I mean, and that so I mean I
wanna, psychology’s a people business about people so I mean you know people
are people, young, old, babies, adults, you know [INT: yeah], you know.
INT: And this, this friend that you described that you’re quite close to, this mature
student that you met prior to coming to university erm what, what kind of, what
kind of activities do, do, do you do with them?
TRE: Er, er we drink a lot of coffee before lectures, a lot of coffee [laughs].
INT: To keep yourself wired [laughs].
TRE: Yeah, especially nine o’clock lectures and that on a Friday morning [INT: oh
right, yeah, understandable], eleven o’clock break ‘coffee’, and we quite often go
to the pub you know a few times and that er, have er, like er, my aim is to have a
barbeque for people and that so everyone, cos none of them have really met my
partner yet so like you know [INT: oh, ok] so I’m gunna do something over the
summer, so cos, cos some of them have got like er children as well and that it’s
hard trying to you know like, and they live over the water, so like all trying to get
together to do something so that’s why it’s like text and emails and you erm and
stuff, and like we see each other in uni, but because you’ve got other
commitments, but you know er, but it’s good being in that stage where you can
20
39
666
667
668
669
670
671
672
673
674
675
676
677
678
679
680
681
682
683
684
685
686
687
688
689
690
691
692
693
694
695
696
697
698
699
40

TREVOR
respect each other that you have got your own commitments and you know it’s
good to have someone like ‘oh we’re struggling with this piece of work’ and
they’ll help you, like you know a couple of people were having (inaudible) about
the exams and like they were getting themselves upset so I ended up call them up,
I ended up calling them up the night before and I was like you know ‘what’s the
worst that can happen, if you fail you can re-sit, but you’ve done the work, so I
mean just go in and try not to panic’ I said ‘if you go in and you panic it’s the
worse thing cos you’ll sit there for two hours panicking and [INT: yeah]
(inaudible), put everything you can think of on the paper and fingers crossed’.
INT: So you have, you have, do you feel like you have a certain role then as, as a more
mature student in terms of your friendships with others?
TRE: I wouldn’t say it’s cos I’m a mature student, I’d say it was a friend, as a friend it’s
your job to look out for your other friends, I mean if someone’s feeling down or
something, you’ve got a friend and that I mean it’s your responsibility as a friend
to say look ok need to talk and you know if you can offer them advice offer them
advice, I mean it’s not about being young or old, it’s about you know how you see
your place as a friend like you know, like er the friends I’ve made now it’s like
they’ve helped me with work and you know I’ve done worrying and like ‘you’ll
be ok’, and it’s just about friends supporting each other [INT: yeah] like if you
build your relationship you need support you know to get through things because I
mean you get to the stage in life where you realise that you know you do need
people around you to help you, you know and support and like you know, like if
you’re worrying and that, if you just talk about a piece of course work and just
talking about it I’m like ‘they’re worried about their exams as well’ it just makes
it seem not so bad, you’re not by your self then [INT: yeah], so that’s the
important thing about …
INT: So you’re kind of sharing that issue, yeah, yeah.
TRE: Yeah you know er like er some people like they’re worrying and it’s like ‘oh I’m
worrying too’ and it’s like, especially the younger ones, you can see them
thinking ‘oh if he’s worrying about it, it must be natural’ cos you know I’m older
and wiser and you know people think you know you’re gunna be wiser and you
know you’re not gunna be worried about stuff, but it’s human nature to worry
[INT: yeah] and you know and that’s all constant you know do worry about things
and so I mean, so being friends and that you can share that, I suppose it makes
you know er like you bounce off each other don’t you so to say and that so you
end up feeling better.
21
41
700
701
702
703
704
705
706
707
708
709
710
711
712
713
714
715
716
717
718
719
720
721
722
723
724
725
726
727
728
729
730
731
732
733
734
735
42

TREVOR
INT: Yeah, absolutely, yeah cos then you’ve shared that, that problem as well and
you’ve found some, again you’ve said about that common ground being very
important.
TRE: It’s like the old cliché, a problem shared is a problem halved.
INT: Yeah, absolutely, absolutely.
TRE: So yeah that’s important, that’s what, one of the main things friends are you know
you share and you learn from each other and like if you make a mistake you can
share it with them, and you know if they make a mistake they can, you know it’s a
learning curve, I mean that’s what life’s about [INT yeah], you need to learn off
things you see and the people around you and your friends and I mean it’s all
important for making you who you are and helping you learn to, you know to be
better and progress [INT: yeah], as you know as an individual and as a friend
[INT: yeah, absolutely, yeah] and hopefully like you know other people around
you, you know learn off some of the daft things I do and say and you know and
that, but I wont go into (inaudible) [laughs].
INT: That would be a bad idea [laughs].
TRE: God where did you get that joke from [laughs].
INT: So can you think of er an example from your own experience that demonstrates
what your friends mean to you?
TRE: Er what my friends mean to me? Er … I don’t, it’s hard to say, I suppose friends
are like the add on to your family really and you know proper friends and that I
mean it’s like, like your family if someone upsets a member of your family or
your friends and that it upsets you so to say, you know [INT: yeah], you know,
and you do what you can to help your friends.
INT: So has a friend ever demonstrated a particular act of kindness that you’ve thought
you know that, that’s really what, that epitomises to me what, what a friendship is
and what it means to you?
TRE: Er I suppose again coming back to my best friend, Tom, I mean we’ve always
been friends but I mean like er a couple of weeks ago it was my birthday and we
went out and him and his wife were like ‘oh we’re paying for dinner’, (inaudible)
and I was like ‘no we’ll go half each’ and he was like ‘no you pay next time’, and
his wife was like ‘I wear the trousers, you shut up’ [laughs] and that so I mean
you know so like next time I go we’ll, we’ll pay for dinner and that, but that’s
what we do like they’ll pay one time, we’ll pay another [INT: yeah] and you
22
43
736
737
738
739
740
741
742
743
744
745
746
747
748
749
750
751
752
753
754
755
756
757
758
759
760
761
762
763
764
765
766
767
768
769
44

TREVOR
know so, I mean I suppose that’s, that’s like er true friendship isn’t it [INT: yeah]
you know when it’s really good er
INT: That real give and take, and that trust I guess as well in knowing that you’ll keep
your word.
TRE: Yeah I mean with friends trust will you know, the longer you know each other the
more the trust builds up and the closer you get, so that’s why I say you have
different stages of friends and that cos that’s why it’s different with Tom like
twelve years knowing each other and that you know like you know by hearing his
voice on the phone I can go ‘what’s up’ [INT: yeah], you can, you can, you can
just sense, it’s like a sixth sense you can just sense it and I think he’s the same
with me he’s like you know ‘oh aren’t you feeling too good?’ and I’m like ‘oh
yeah I’m fine’ and he’s like ‘oh don’t give me that crap’, like it’s the same you
know, cos you know blokes like ‘oh I’m fine’ and like he’ll go ‘I’m fine’ and I’m
like ‘you’re not fine’ just you know and but, but, but we’re close enough to just
like you know open up to each other and having er done the er the macho thing
[INT: yeah] for five minutes [laughs].
INT: So what, what, what do you think changes then in a friendship that makes you
more intuitive like that, what is it do you think that, do you think that changes?
TRE: Er I don’t know I think it’s been a learning curve, we’ve, we’ve got older and
we’ve settled down, we’ve been through a lot of experiences together [INT: mm,
yeah] and that but I think the thing is we know that each other’s there for one and
other you know what I mean.
INT: So knowing you’ve got that, that strong support makes you feel more empathy.
TRE: Yeah, yeah, like I said before like and that he got stuck somewhere on a Saturday
night, he was in trouble and like he picked up the phone and said ‘Trev look er
can you come and get me’ and I’ll be like ‘yeah, no problem’, like if I got stuck
somewhere like he’s said in the past ‘oh do you want me to come and get you or’
you know.
INT: And what does that mean to you to have that friendship?
TRE: It means a lot, I suppose in a sense it’s like er it means more than family cos l
mean it is closer than, like I haven’t got a brother or sister, but I see him like a
brother so you know what I mean [INT: yeah], and he sees, he sees like the same,
I’m close to his like mum and dad as well and like he’s close to my mum and dad
and that so it’s er, it’s er, that’s why I say it’s a really good friendship cos like you
know I can just go round to his mum and dad’s and you know and speak to his
23
45
770
771
772
773
774
775
776
777
778
779
780
781
782
783
784
785
786
787
788
789
790
791
792
793
794
795
796
797
798
799
800
801
802
803
804
46

TREVOR
mum and dad for a few hours and he’d do the same for my mum and dad and you
know and like when they have the family barbeque like and that it’s like ‘oh make
sure Trev’s coming’ and you know [INT: yeah] if they go out for a drink it’s like
‘make sure Trev and Stephanie’s coming’ [INT: yeah] and so er it’s, it’s really
good, and like Tom and Tracy can go round to talk to like my mum and dad you
know and stuff as well so it works really.
INT: So you feel just as close to his family as well as you do to him in terms of …
yeah.
TRE: Yeah, yeah, that’s why I say there’s like different stages, I mean that’s more like a
you know family friend, you know best friend and then there’s like there’s friends
and then there’s like people you work with [INT: yeah] and train with.
INT: So there’s kind of like a kind of hierarchy in some ways of friendships.
TRE: I suppose you could say it’s human nature we are animals and it’s like the pack
thing there’s different stages in the pack [INT: yeah, yeah], I suppose you could
say that.
INT: Have you ever, have you ever been let down by a friend?
TRE: Er yeah, yeah, I’ve been let down, but er again it’s human nature, I mean people
let you down, and er, but you know that again shows the difference between a true
friend or you know like a social friend, I mean a true friend will do everything
they can not to let you down whereas, you do get let down don’t get me wrong,
but other people, I don’t know it’s just like ‘oh I’d rather go to the …’ when
you’re meant to be going out ‘I’d rather go to the bingo than er you know go out
for a drink and that’, rather go out with the family you know when you’ve
arranged to do something and you get let down but it’s life isn’t it, I mean [INT:
yeah] you know, it’s again it’s learning isn’t it, and you’ve just got to learn not to
dwell on things like ‘oh well, I’ll go for a drink by myself’ [laughs], have two
drinks instead of one [laughs].
INT: Yeah, oh well [laughs]. So erm, so when, when you’ve let, when you’ve been let
down before within a friendship, how, how’s that made you feel?
TRE: Er, mm … I suppose as I’ve got older, now it’s just like, it’s just one of those
things, but when you’re younger you do get hurt by it and it annoys you and
you’re just like ‘oh why the hell have they done that’ and all that, but I suppose
I’m at the stage in life where I’m like things happen, you know people have other
commitments you know, it’s like as I said there’s different stages of friends and
24
47
805
806
807
808
809
810
811
812
813
814
815
816
817
818
819
820
821
822
823
824
825
826
827
828
829
830
831
832
833
834
835
836
837
838
48

TREVOR
stuff and other things come up that are more important you know what I mean
[INT: yeah], it’s just, it’s just life [INT: right], I’m quite easy going so I mean.
INT: And like you say it sound’s like when you know that true friendships aren’t
deliberately letting you down as well that, that makes a difference to actually
someone er you know almost deliberately sort of letting you down within a
friendship.
TRE: Yeah, I mean sometimes you do get fobbed off and you know but I mean it’s,
again it’s part of life isn’t it, I mean there’s no point in getting angry about every
little thing and that cos you know what’s the point [INT: yeah], you know what I
mean, go phone some of your other friend and stuff if someone lets you down,
there’s always someone to go for a drink with, find someone on Facebook or
something [laughs], if you get really desperate.
INT: So in summary erm can you, can you sum up what friendship means to you?
TRE: Er sum up what friendship means, it’s er, I suppose it’s about er loyalty, loyalty
between two people, respect, understanding, er, god doing manly man feelings
and caring for each other, oh god that’s got to be in it as well isn’t it [laughs], the
hard man image is ruined, you know understanding, sharing, you know bonding,
yeah, yeah, the male thing of you know the male hug and all that you, you know
it’s just you know about being able to be yourself and they can be themselves and
you don’t have to put on an act or anything you can be who you are and [INT:
yeah], they respect you for that and you respect them for that and you know you
could you know you’ve got to understand friends as well, yes they’re gunna make
mistakes and do things you don’t like but hell I know I’m gunna do the same and
that, and it’s about being mature enough to you know if you do have a problem to
work through it [INT: yeah] and you know that’s what friendship is, and I suppose
it’s a bond between two or more people, yeah.
INT: Lovely.
TRE: Yeah, yeah [laughs] I can’t think of anything else to say on that one.
INT: [Laughs] no that’s a perfect summary, thank you very much.
TRE: Oh that’s ok.
INT: Ok, so I’ll stop recording.
TRE: Ok.
INT: Ok.
25
49
839
840
841
842
843
844
845
846
847
848
849
850
851
852
853
854
855
856
857
858
859
860
861
862
863
864
865
866
867
868
869
870
871
50

TREVOR
TRE: Delete, delete, delete. [Laughs] Worst interview ever [laughs].
INT: No it was well er, I was going to say that was well said. Ok.
26
51
872
873
52